God told you who your husband is…and you messed up (Pt 2)

If you haven’t yet, you can read part 1 here

Let’s back up for a moment. I’ve been a dreamer my whole life. Grew up in church, went to Christian school, had encounters with demons at a young age and generally had strange experiences. So dreams that somehow came true or that stuck with me to this day are not new to me.  As a child the enemy infiltrated my dreams and I often saw my own death in many different ways, and it was always because I had been forgotten about. Always forgotten about. That’s what the enemy would have me think through my life. That I didn’t matter, that I had been somehow forgotten about. Dear sister, He has NOT forgotten about you. If you have messed up and are waiting ever more patiently than before, I promise  you, He’s working ALL things for your good.

It was July 2015 and I was frantically searching for some paperwork that I thought I desperately needed. Turned out I didn’t need it, but inside the folder was a journal I had been using while I was pregnant with my son. A dream had been written on the back side and I paused and read through it. The epiphany of it all overwhelmed me.

2010/5/12

I had a weird dream last night. I dreamed that I was getting married again. I was in the process of getting dressed for the event which was being held in a brand new Roman Coliseum that had very plush side rooms but were decorated very 17th century Gothic style. There was a wedding dress (the wedding dress I was originally married in) hanging in the room. There were three woman with me dressed in bright white dresses of Roman design. One of the women that was there was a teachers assistant for a class I was taking in my dream. She was interviewing/grading me. The two other ladies helped me get dressed and so I’ve got nothing on but the see-through mesh underskirt. So I’m walked out unexpectedly being led by one woman, and the other had her hands on the small of my back to keep me moving forward as the Teachers Assistant tried to talk with me as we walked. I was led all the way to the other side of this Colosseum with thousands of people watching, many cheering me on. I’m naked on top, doing my best to cover my breasts with my hands (unsuccessfully) as we walk across the center of the arena, through the sand to the other side. They lead me along and about half way across I get scared and pull my arm back. The leading woman turned and looked at me as if to say I had to keep moving forward. She reached out and gently put her hand on my wrist and continued to lead me across, as I’m still trying to cover myself with the other hand, struggling between complete exposure and trying to cover up, to a new room on the other side. In the room on this side is a wedding dress even better and vastly more beautiful (It seemed WAY larger…not in size for fit, but just more dress, more train and just more elegance altogether) than my original. After the wedding I was presented with a certificate saying I passed the class. In the next scene I am standing next to my new husband in a small apartment with really nice furniture surveying our gifts which are wrapped in a silver paper and blue ribbons. I open this amazing Mac Book and show it off and said “isn’t this awesome! You have always wanted one of these!”

The Lord was going to redeem me. It spoke of my divorce, my journey and life and trial and testing and preparation and at the end the Lord would bring me together with a man who had His heart. He would be a gift to me. It’s rather clear that I have been married, and now divorced. This is another story altogether but the Lord allowed it and told me that He has made me brand new and not to let anyone tell me or make me feel otherwise. There’s no condemnation in Christ. The other thing I made note of was the computer at the end. I’m in the technology field and I know that Mac’s are for graphic designers. I didn’t know any at the time of me finding the dream…at least not yet. It had been FIVE whole years since I had this dream and I wasn’t the woman I am now when I had it. I wrote it down, chalked it off to a crazy pregnancy dream and let it go. I had no idea that I’d even saved it. Shortly after I found it, I had another dream about a young man (I was younger in the dream too) who was tall, had curly dark hair and I had been caught by him snooping around his place in my dream.  Let me be candid here since we are on the topic of ROYAL  mess-ups…I was having a moment where I was stewing in doubt and I was SURE that this was all me, I was crazy! I SUCK at picking men so I was certain that this was me, my flesh. I set out to prove that this man was just like all the rest. So I got on Facebook. No Facebook. I got on Google +, limited information…I got on Instagram- BINGO! Jackpot! So I’m scrolling, and scrolling, and scrolling, and I’m finding nothing. In fact all I see is rather opposite of what I was feeling. I moved my phone to my left hand and accidentally hit a heart on a photo. I froze and said NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!  Undo! Undo! Undo!!!! So loud, my coworkers popped up to see what the problem was.  Needless to say his profile went private after that. Oops…my bad.  My heart pounded…I had been found out. This whole wait thing was more difficult than I ever imagined, but what I had discovered was valuable. I had nothing to go on. I could never again incorrectly judge his character because what I saw was humility. Compliments given, and received, love exchanged. I saw no pride, I saw love and kindness…and a high value for his mother.  Ladies, these men do exist. They are in hiding just like we are.

After I had discovered all the Lord had planned for me in this area, I may have gone boy crazy. I’m sure you share my sentiment when I say I wanted to know everything there was to know and I was going crazy that it wasn’t all happening right now. I mean right NOW. I was a frustrated hot mess…and so was my life. I thought I was ready, I wanted this now! But for the wrong reasons. I wanted to be loved and I wanted to love. I wanted someone to pick me up and dust me off and cherish me and the list goes on. I wanted to feel valued but the time was not yet because first I needed desperately to understand and fall in love with Jesus. He needed me to fall headlong into Him as my savior far more than I wanted to fall headlong into the heart of a man. He needed me to change my understanding of my own personal value system and correct my identity.

Dear sister, don’t you believe that you are a Princess? Your worth is NOT in a man, but in Jesus? That your worth far exceeds rubies and that you are a DIAMOND love! You are a diamond hidden in plain sight! It is not that you are not gorgeous! It’s not that you are not the one! It IS that the man you are waiting on hasn’t yet been ANOINTED to SEE you! The Lord told me a week ago that ATTRACTION is ANOINTING! Do you know why? Because you aren’t ready yet. Because the Lord’s timing hasn’t come to it’s fruition, because you and me, we are these beautiful cakes made with the most amazing ingredients, and baked into us is the most amazing surprises…but a cake taken out of the oven before it’s time, no matter how good the ingredients, is still not good for consumption. Stop believing it’s you. Stop believing it’s never going to come. Stop saying you’re ugly or not smart enough or, or, or, or…Just Stop.

It’s not actually about you. This isn’t my story. It’s not yours either. It’s just one of an innumerable amount of stories of God. It’s called a Testimony. Settle down and let God continue to write it. The cookies aren’t in the cookie jar yet.

~Amanda

 

For your reading pleasure you can read Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 and Part 6

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SoS 8:4

I woke up this morning just excited to be alive. On my lips were songs of praise and my heart has been near bursting all day. I can’t contain it, I just want to run outside until I can’t breathe, to drive for miles so I can sing, to bask in the sunshine and praise my God.

Song of Solomon 5:8

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you– if you find my beloved, what will you tell him? Tell him I am faint with love.

My heart cries in anticipation, it aches to be held.
Oh LORD who am I that you would choose to have MERCY on me and give me a love like what you have promised me.
In your great GRACE you picked a man hand-crafted in your image to join you and cover me and my children.
You chose a mere MAN to hold you in his heart and be your hands and feet so that through him you could physically love me in this earthly body more than I ever could imagine.
You chose him for me so you could love me more.
Father, you chose me so that through me you could love him more.
I pray that I would be worthy of that calling
That you would help me to be everything that you need me to be for him, for You.
Help me to love him with YOUR love, to touch his heart with these hands of mine that YOU made.
Without you my LOVE, my LORD, the great I AM…I am nothing. But dust of the ground.
Without green tendrils to wrap my vines around
Without feathers with which to fly upon
Without roots with which to grow tall with
I would be a nothing…
A tree without shade…useless
A fish without water…dead
A bird without air…fallen
An apple fallen on parched ground…fruitless

But because of you and your great LOVE and MERCY and GRACE

You have heard me and rescued me. You have seated me with Christ at your right hand, you have given me more than I asked for, more than I deserved and more than I ever could imagine…

Fly with me my love, on the wings of Praise for He is WORTHY.

Isaiah 40:28-31

Do you not know?
    Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
    the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
    and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
    and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
    and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint.

Until we meet,

Amanda

Lightning and the Lover

Thunder and lightning streak across the sky.
Torrential rain thunders on the ground and drip drops in my window.
Cold breezes caress my face like a lover
“I know what makes you tick, this is for you…” it whispers as it trails across my ear and neck and twirls my hair like streamers around me.
The thunder reverberates through my body, celebrating my existence in this world, my purpose that can only be felt in the soul by the clap of lightning across a darkened sky and the booming that is the beating of my heart.
“I seek you” says the lightning, the thunder replies “Here, I am” as I breathe in deep the scent of rain in the air. Like a lover, fragrant to my senses as my heart travails over your presence, You lead me by the hand to the window as you streak in blinding light across the sky as I soak it in through the very fabric of my being, your blinding and unapproachable light that I might soak it in and display you on my body. That I might wear you in my being…
And be your lightning in the storm of this world.
That you would light me up Lord, and never let me go.

~Amanda Fransen 9/29/2015

I used to write poetry a long time ago. I used to draw and paint too. Much of my inspiration has waned over the years sadly due to my circumstances. I gave everything I had and had nothing left to give…myself, my time. I gave it all and shut away myself for another.

John 15:13 Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

It is after all what God calls us as women to do and be for our husbands, and so I did. Now that God has released me, my creativity is blooming like a midnight flower…In her darkest hour, the glow of the moon causes her to bloom and radiate the bluish glow of the star of the night. (<- See what just happened there!) I have painted, I have drawn, I have poeted (yeah, totally just made that word up) and I have sung my heart out. I wrote this poem in the Spirit of the Lord and as I wrote it I was living it, I could see it and longed to lay in my bed with the window wide and blinds raised to have my cheek caressed by the wind and my lungs filled with His presence. My heart beat rapidly as I could hear the thunder and was blinded by the lightning in my vision. How anyone could not see that God is the lover and redeemer of our souls and that he cares for us and fills us with his purpose and presence and life!

OH LORD! Would that I could dance with you, like I danced in my heart with you like a Bride at a reception, like a young girl in love at a ball. You redeem me Father, you purchased me and saved me from the fire I willingly entered, from the wrath that was never meant for me. I let your Holy Temple be defiled and trampled on. Blood stained feet and hands tore me down, but you, you picked up my shattered pieces and you moved me to safety and rebuilt me. Now I stand tall as a Daughter of the Most High God, prepared for battle (I’d really love a bow and arrow), and ready to be your hands and feet. I cling to the promises you’ve shown me. You have restored me and my heart and brought me back to life. Thank you for protecting my heart and mind through the madness and through it raising up a daughter of faith. I could not be who I am now were it not for this life you have given me. Now that we have walked through the valley, it’s time to climb the mountain together towards victory.

Blessings,

~Amanda

Real and Beautiful women

Tabloids assault our eyes in the checkout lines. They assault our children’s and our men’s eyes as well but to us…to us they mean something else.

To so many women they scream “FAILURE!!”

“TOO FAT”
“THIGH GAP”
“TOO SMALL”
“TOO BIG”
“TOO SKINNY”
“DIET”

“NOT GOOD ENOUGH”

And we hang our broken hearts low and our heads shattered in hopes that no one will look at us and see our flaws, our pants size, our grey hair or lack of make up or the fact that our skin is not cooperating this week. Or see the bags under our eyes, or the circles because we are weary of being discounted, tired of being pushed aside because we aren’t good enough.

I know that any single man could potentially fall in love with me…not because of what I look like, but because of who God has made me to be. I know I have a beautiful heart, I know that I am a beautiful person but so many men out there are looking not for a beautiful heart, but a pants size, a shoe style, a look, a lusty feel, rather than taking a moment to see inside. I read two articles this morning that were amazing to me. It’s a call to men. A call to be a “beholder” and see the art of women as the mock-up of the Bride of Christ…Beautiful, Diverse, Holy when her heart rests in the hands of a Holy God.

http://www.boundless.org/relationships/2011/man-enough-to-love-a-real-woman
http://www.boundless.org/relationships/2015/where-have-all-the-beautiful-women-gone

I love the title of the second one. “Where have all the beautiful women gone”…we’re all right here, waiting. Waiting for the men of this world to realize that a spark isn’t something you see in a face, but something that is ignited with the heart, yet we’re so quick to overlook, click away. The article says:

“It reminds me of the endless exhibition of females that young men have at their fingertips today. They’re bombarded with thousands of pretty faces in Facebook profile pictures, Instagram selfies, dating apps, and advertisements. There’s no shortage of women who will pose for them in exchange for a few seconds of being noticed. And eventually, all the faces run together — even the ones in the real world, where the habit of indiscriminate viewing continues.

Pretty face, but big arms.

No spark. Click.

Nice body, but plain face.

No spark. Click.

Sweet girl, but too short.

No spark. Click.

No spark. Click.

No spark.”

A spark isn’t seen, but felt in your heart. Not your pants.

Ladies…if you are still waiting, I pray that God would make your aching heart still and TRUST that God will open the eyes of the right man, not to ogle over a tabloid cover, but to treasure and cherish you…ogling is good too 😉

inner-beauty-quotes-bible-3

1 Peter 3:3-4 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.
Song of Solomon 4:7 You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you.
Proverbs 3:15 She is more precious than jewels, and nothing you desire can compare with her. Long life is in her right hand; in her left hand are riches and honor. Her ways are ways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace. She is a tree of life to those who lay hold of her; those who hold her fast are called blessed.

Proverbs 31:10-31

An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands. She is like the ships of the merchant; she brings her food from afar. …

God is making many women into excellent Brides, far more precious than jewels, and He is changing the hearts of many men to capture our hearts. But he is making us ready, because we are first and foremost HIS Bride! We must be ready for Him first, before we can be ready for the one God is willing to pair us with. Our God is a jealous God, and if He’s not in the mix, he won’t want to give you away, women and men included.

Ladies, don’t give in. Don’t compromise your values, your beliefs or your loving Savior. Remember He sacrificed for you once already.

Men, stop comparing us to tabloids or Hollywood. That’s not real. It’s make believe. We are here, we are beautiful and we are waiting. Seek our hearts. Get to know us as people, and then make your determination. Why would you want to be perpetually single or unhappy. A drop dead gorgeous wife does not make a pretty life.

Blessings,

Amanda