God told you who your husband is…and you messed up (Pt 2)

If you haven’t yet, you can read part 1 here

Let’s back up for a moment. I’ve been a dreamer my whole life. Grew up in church, went to Christian school, had encounters with demons at a young age and generally had strange experiences. So dreams that somehow came true or that stuck with me to this day are not new to me.  As a child the enemy infiltrated my dreams and I often saw my own death in many different ways, and it was always because I had been forgotten about. Always forgotten about. That’s what the enemy would have me think through my life. That I didn’t matter, that I had been somehow forgotten about. Dear sister, He has NOT forgotten about you. If you have messed up and are waiting ever more patiently than before, I promise  you, He’s working ALL things for your good.

It was July 2015 and I was frantically searching for some paperwork that I thought I desperately needed. Turned out I didn’t need it, but inside the folder was a journal I had been using while I was pregnant with my son. A dream had been written on the back side and I paused and read through it. The epiphany of it all overwhelmed me.


I had a weird dream last night. I dreamed that I was getting married again. I was in the process of getting dressed for the event which was being held in a brand new Roman Coliseum that had very plush side rooms but were decorated very 17th century Gothic style. There was a wedding dress (the wedding dress I was originally married in) hanging in the room. There were three woman with me dressed in bright white dresses of Roman design. One of the women that was there was a teachers assistant for a class I was taking in my dream. She was interviewing/grading me. The two other ladies helped me get dressed and so I’ve got nothing on but the see-through mesh underskirt. So I’m walked out unexpectedly being led by one woman, and the other had her hands on the small of my back to keep me moving forward as the Teachers Assistant tried to talk with me as we walked. I was led all the way to the other side of this Colosseum with thousands of people watching, many cheering me on. I have nothing on top, doing my best to cover myself with my hands (unsuccessfully) as we walk across the center of the arena, through the sand to the other side. They lead me along and about half way across I get scared and pull my arm back. The leading woman turned and looked at me as if to say I had to keep moving forward. She reached out and gently put her hand on my wrist and continued to lead me across, as I’m still trying to cover myself with the other hand, struggling between complete exposure and trying to cover up, to a new room on the other side. In the room on this side is a wedding dress even better and vastly more beautiful (It seemed WAY larger…not in size for fit, but just more dress, more train and just more elegance altogether) than my original. After the wedding I was presented with a certificate saying I passed the class. In the next scene I am standing next to my new husband in a small apartment with really nice furniture surveying our gifts which are wrapped in a silver paper and blue ribbons. I open this amazing Mac Book and show it off and said “isn’t this awesome! You have always wanted one of these!”

The Lord was going to redeem me. It spoke of my divorce, my journey and life and trial and testing and preparation and at the end the Lord would bring me together with a man who had His heart. He would be a gift to me. It’s rather clear that I have been married, and now divorced. This is another story altogether but the Lord allowed it and told me that He has made me brand new and not to let anyone tell me or make me feel otherwise. There’s no condemnation in Christ. The other thing I made note of was the computer at the end. I’m in the technology field and I know that Mac’s are for graphic designers. I didn’t know any at the time of me finding the dream…at least not yet. It had been FIVE whole years since I had this dream and I wasn’t the woman I am now when I had it. I wrote it down, chalked it off to a crazy pregnancy dream and let it go. I had no idea that I’d even saved it. Shortly after I found it, I had another dream about a young man (I was younger in the dream too) who was tall, had curly dark hair and I had been caught by him snooping around his place in my dream.  Let me be candid here since we are on the topic of ROYAL  mess-ups…I was having a moment where I was stewing in doubt and I was SURE that this was all me, I was crazy! I SUCK at picking men so I was certain that this was me, my flesh. I set out to prove that this man was just like all the rest. So I got on Facebook. No Facebook. I got on Google +, limited information…I got on Instagram- BINGO! Jackpot! So I’m scrolling, and scrolling, and scrolling, and I’m finding nothing. In fact all I see is rather opposite of what I was feeling. I moved my phone to my left hand and accidentally hit a heart on a photo. I froze and said NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!  Undo! Undo! Undo!!!! So loud, my coworkers popped up to see what the problem was.  Needless to say his profile went private after that. Oops…my bad.  My heart pounded…I had been found out. This whole wait thing was more difficult than I ever imagined, but what I had discovered was valuable. I had nothing to go on. I could never again incorrectly judge his character because what I saw was humility. Compliments given, and received, love exchanged. I saw no pride, I saw love and kindness…and a high value for his mother.  Ladies, these men do exist. They are in hiding just like we are.

After I had discovered all the Lord had planned for me in this area, I may have gone boy crazy. I’m sure you share my sentiment when I say I wanted to know everything there was to know and I was going crazy that it wasn’t all happening right now. I mean right NOW. I was a frustrated hot mess…and so was my life. I thought I was ready, I wanted this now! But for the wrong reasons. I wanted to be loved and I wanted to love. I wanted someone to pick me up and dust me off and cherish me and the list goes on. I wanted to feel valued but the time was not yet because first I needed desperately to understand and fall in love with Jesus. He needed me to fall headlong into Him as my savior far more than I wanted to fall headlong into the heart of a man. He needed me to change my understanding of my own personal value system and correct my identity.

Dear sister, don’t you believe that you are a Princess? Your worth is NOT in a man, but in Jesus? That your worth far exceeds rubies and that you are a DIAMOND love! You are a diamond hidden in plain sight! It is not that you are not gorgeous! It’s not that you are not the one! It IS that the man you are waiting on hasn’t yet been ANOINTED to SEE you! The Lord told me a week ago that ATTRACTION is ANOINTING! Do you know why? Because you aren’t ready yet. Because the Lord’s timing hasn’t come to it’s fruition, because you and me, we are these beautiful cakes made with the most amazing ingredients, and baked into us is the most amazing surprises…but a cake taken out of the oven before it’s time, no matter how good the ingredients, is still not good for consumption. Stop believing it’s you. Stop believing it’s never going to come. Stop saying you’re ugly or not smart enough or, or, or, or…Just Stop.

It’s not actually about you. This isn’t my story. It’s not yours either. It’s just one of an innumerable amount of stories of God. It’s called a Testimony. Settle down and let God continue to write it. The cookies aren’t in the cookie jar yet.



For your reading pleasure you can read Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 and Part 6