God told you who your husband is…and you messed up (Pt 2)

If you haven’t yet, you can read part 1 here

Let’s back up for a moment. I’ve been a dreamer my whole life. Grew up in church, went to Christian school, had encounters with demons at a young age and generally had strange experiences. So dreams that somehow came true or that stuck with me to this day are not new to me.  As a child the enemy infiltrated my dreams and I often saw my own death in many different ways, and it was always because I had been forgotten about. Always forgotten about. That’s what the enemy would have me think through my life. That I didn’t matter, that I had been somehow forgotten about. Dear sister, He has NOT forgotten about you. If you have messed up and are waiting ever more patiently than before, I promise  you, He’s working ALL things for your good.

It was July 2015 and I was frantically searching for some paperwork that I thought I desperately needed. Turned out I didn’t need it, but inside the folder was a journal I had been using while I was pregnant with my son. A dream had been written on the back side and I paused and read through it. The epiphany of it all overwhelmed me.

2010/5/12

I had a weird dream last night. I dreamed that I was getting married again. I was in the process of getting dressed for the event which was being held in a brand new Roman Coliseum that had very plush side rooms but were decorated very 17th century Gothic style. There was a wedding dress (the wedding dress I was originally married in) hanging in the room. There were three woman with me dressed in bright white dresses of Roman design. One of the women that was there was a teachers assistant for a class I was taking in my dream. She was interviewing/grading me. The two other ladies helped me get dressed and so I’ve got nothing on but the see-through mesh underskirt. So I’m walked out unexpectedly being led by one woman, and the other had her hands on the small of my back to keep me moving forward as the Teachers Assistant tried to talk with me as we walked. I was led all the way to the other side of this Colosseum with thousands of people watching, many cheering me on. I’m naked on top, doing my best to cover my breasts with my hands (unsuccessfully) as we walk across the center of the arena, through the sand to the other side. They lead me along and about half way across I get scared and pull my arm back. The leading woman turned and looked at me as if to say I had to keep moving forward. She reached out and gently put her hand on my wrist and continued to lead me across, as I’m still trying to cover myself with the other hand, struggling between complete exposure and trying to cover up, to a new room on the other side. In the room on this side is a wedding dress even better and vastly more beautiful (It seemed WAY larger…not in size for fit, but just more dress, more train and just more elegance altogether) than my original. After the wedding I was presented with a certificate saying I passed the class. In the next scene I am standing next to my new husband in a small apartment with really nice furniture surveying our gifts which are wrapped in a silver paper and blue ribbons. I open this amazing Mac Book and show it off and said “isn’t this awesome! You have always wanted one of these!”

The Lord was going to redeem me. It spoke of my divorce, my journey and life and trial and testing and preparation and at the end the Lord would bring me together with a man who had His heart. He would be a gift to me. It’s rather clear that I have been married, and now divorced. This is another story altogether but the Lord allowed it and told me that He has made me brand new and not to let anyone tell me or make me feel otherwise. There’s no condemnation in Christ. The other thing I made note of was the computer at the end. I’m in the technology field and I know that Mac’s are for graphic designers. I didn’t know any at the time of me finding the dream…at least not yet. It had been FIVE whole years since I had this dream and I wasn’t the woman I am now when I had it. I wrote it down, chalked it off to a crazy pregnancy dream and let it go. I had no idea that I’d even saved it. Shortly after I found it, I had another dream about a young man (I was younger in the dream too) who was tall, had curly dark hair and I had been caught by him snooping around his place in my dream.  Let me be candid here since we are on the topic of ROYAL  mess-ups…I was having a moment where I was stewing in doubt and I was SURE that this was all me, I was crazy! I SUCK at picking men so I was certain that this was me, my flesh. I set out to prove that this man was just like all the rest. So I got on Facebook. No Facebook. I got on Google +, limited information…I got on Instagram- BINGO! Jackpot! So I’m scrolling, and scrolling, and scrolling, and I’m finding nothing. In fact all I see is rather opposite of what I was feeling. I moved my phone to my left hand and accidentally hit a heart on a photo. I froze and said NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!  Undo! Undo! Undo!!!! So loud, my coworkers popped up to see what the problem was.  Needless to say his profile went private after that. Oops…my bad.  My heart pounded…I had been found out. This whole wait thing was more difficult than I ever imagined, but what I had discovered was valuable. I had nothing to go on. I could never again incorrectly judge his character because what I saw was humility. Compliments given, and received, love exchanged. I saw no pride, I saw love and kindness…and a high value for his mother.  Ladies, these men do exist. They are in hiding just like we are.

After I had discovered all the Lord had planned for me in this area, I may have gone boy crazy. I’m sure you share my sentiment when I say I wanted to know everything there was to know and I was going crazy that it wasn’t all happening right now. I mean right NOW. I was a frustrated hot mess…and so was my life. I thought I was ready, I wanted this now! But for the wrong reasons. I wanted to be loved and I wanted to love. I wanted someone to pick me up and dust me off and cherish me and the list goes on. I wanted to feel valued but the time was not yet because first I needed desperately to understand and fall in love with Jesus. He needed me to fall headlong into Him as my savior far more than I wanted to fall headlong into the heart of a man. He needed me to change my understanding of my own personal value system and correct my identity.

Dear sister, don’t you believe that you are a Princess? Your worth is NOT in a man, but in Jesus? That your worth far exceeds rubies and that you are a DIAMOND love! You are a diamond hidden in plain sight! It is not that you are not gorgeous! It’s not that you are not the one! It IS that the man you are waiting on hasn’t yet been ANOINTED to SEE you! The Lord told me a week ago that ATTRACTION is ANOINTING! Do you know why? Because you aren’t ready yet. Because the Lord’s timing hasn’t come to it’s fruition, because you and me, we are these beautiful cakes made with the most amazing ingredients, and baked into us is the most amazing surprises…but a cake taken out of the oven before it’s time, no matter how good the ingredients, is still not good for consumption. Stop believing it’s you. Stop believing it’s never going to come. Stop saying you’re ugly or not smart enough or, or, or, or…Just Stop.

It’s not actually about you. This isn’t my story. It’s not yours either. It’s just one of an innumerable amount of stories of God. It’s called a Testimony. Settle down and let God continue to write it. The cookies aren’t in the cookie jar yet.

~Amanda

 

For your reading pleasure you can read Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 and Part 6

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God told you who your husband is…and you messed up (Pt 1)

I scoured the interwebs searching and searching for some hopeful story of the girl that God told her who her husband was and she totally messed it up. I mean like royally.  But all I could find were the stern warnings of “don’t tell him!” and “keep it to yourself and just pray” and “make sure this isn’t your flesh talking.”

I was looking because…well…I am that girl.

I felt that this was important to get out there. I’m tired of hiding, waiting in hopeful anticipation and wondering if what I did could be redeemed or not ,so I’m writing this just as much for you as for me.  This post is for all the girls who put their hand in the cookie jar and came up empty…cause the cookies weren’t done yet…and continue to open and close the lid.

In the beginning, God created…oh sorry…wrong story. Ok, in the beginning (about 2.5 years ago), the Lord confirmed my husband for me- through means that I can’t make up. He had sent me to a church through some crazy circumstances. On my first day there, I’m all hopeful that I would make new friends and meet new people! I was excited about this new chapter in my life!! I sit down and I see this man on stage and I’m sitting by myself in the front row and I blurted out “This man needs my help!”  Slightly mortified, I look around because I have NO IDEA where that came from. It wasn’t even a thought in my head, but it came out of my mouth.  I felt the Lord impress on my heart to let him know that I had been sent there to help him. I had no idea in what way but I didn’t care! I was so grateful for what the Lord was doing in my life that I would scrub toilets if it were asked of me. Turned out he was the “Creative Director” of the church and so I’m thinking…Ok, I paint, I draw, play a few instruments, can read music, sing, willing to learn, I sew and can make things…generally an artsy fartsy girl. The only caveat I had was that I am a single mom of 2 kids and so I would do my best to be available. The following Sunday, I walked up and told him that I’d been sent to help and I expected some excitement…and direction.  I got nothing. I was slightly puzzled.

The following Monday morning I argued with God. I was a little ticked (though, I have no right to be…He is God after all). I had just gone to a new church and it felt like He was sabotaging my ability to make new friends by having me start off attendance like that. I said, “God, WHY would You have me say something SO GENESIS to a PERFECT STRANGER!! This is a brand new church! Don’t make me a pariah in the first week please!”  He didn’t respond to my rants except I heard “3 years”. I wrote it off. Three years for what?! I was mad and embarrassed.

I went through the week and on Thursday, I decided to reach out to this man via email and ask him how I could be of help. I wish I kept it so I could share it with you, but it was filled with my qualifications and how grateful I would be to help him in any way.  I STILL had no clue at this point. But later that evening…

Frustrated,  I didn’t understand why someone wouldn’t jump on the opportunity to have help. Earlier in the day when I had looked up his email, I had also found that there were some recordings of him preaching. Hmm…he preaches too? Cool. Maybe there was something in there that could clue me in to how I could help since he hadn’t gotten back to me. It was a Thursday night and I had no kids and so I decided to get in the bath and relax. It was a break for me and I didn’t get too many of them and life had just gone from 100mph to about 10 and I was due some R&R. I began listening and I don’t recall what it was all about, but this man that I didn’t find attractive had a heart for God and he was on FIRE. I laid there in awe and said aloud,

“God! Men like this EXIST?? When you send me a man, send me one with a heart like THIS!”

And God said (loud and clear):   “NO”

Um…what? Come again? (in this span of seconds a BILLION things ran through my head as to why he would say no and not yes. He said,

“NOT “A” MAN, THIS MAN”

My face sunk, I was thoroughly shocked. And then as if that was the most absurd thing I’d ever heard I said,

“Okay God, I’ll call your bluff. This man. Grant me this man.”  And in the seconds following the words that I have since eaten, it sounded like someone cranked up the volume on the speaker that was still playing the preaching and this man’s voice rang out so loud in my ears the words of Matthew 7:7 and James 4:2:

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  The Lord says you have not because you ask not.”

I burst into tears. I was struggling to believe what I had just heard. I have dreams like crazy. But this was the second time I had heard God aloud in a two week time frame. My encounter was just beginning…

~Amanda

For your reading pleasure here is Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 and Part 6