Letting things go…

I was playing a game. It was a fun game, too. I made friends, I was advancing, became a co-leader but I realized that the attention I was receiving from people, male and female alike, was stirring in me a need that has laid dormant for nearly 4 years. I’ve been largely content waiting on the Lord to fulfill promises He’s made to me but suddenly these needs for companionship were beginning to arise. To have someone to talk to, converse with and where my friends have filled that need for a long time, it’s not the same type of intimacy of conversation you would have with a significant other…or even a potential significant other. I found myself enjoying conversation (G rated conversations) with men and women and it no longer became about playing the game, but about the validation I was getting from other human beings.

1 Corinthian 10:23

You say, “I am allowed to do anything” —but not everything is good for you. You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is beneficial.

I have been alone, but not lonely…up until recently. As the need for companionship grows (and not just romantic companionship, I’m expecting my dad to move in very very soon and I’m really looking forward to this in a big way) and the feelings of being overwhelmed in every area of my life also grows, I recognize that being a single mom is not something I can sustain long term without letting it affect my health and my heart. When I don’t sleep well and need a rest, everything falls on me. When I’m sick and need to get better, everything still falls on me. When depression tries to take over, everything still falls on me. And some days…dishes don’t get done. Clean laundry sits in baskets for a week, and I still don’t know what’s for dinner. I know the Lord  has more for me than this.

So, the game. I was doing rather well. I was improving my scores, had joined a guild that was a new branch of a high ranking guild, had become co-leader, was making friends until I realized that it had simply become a band aid for what I was really feeling and needing. I was earning people’s praise by getting higher scores, by being important in something that didn’t truly matter. What fruit was this producing? By God’s grace, I could play this game…but what was the profits of doing so? Was it improving my life? Or did I merely think it was.

Two nights ago I had a dream. I knew the Lord was warning me that I had let this game lull me into inattentiveness and spiritual sleep. This life isn’t a game, there are so many people out there that were created from a piece of His spirit that He wants to know Him. This life is a mission. This is the battle grounds where we go out and help people remember who they are. This isn’t about scaring people with the thought of Hell, the more I research it and read about it, the more I begin to wonder if Hell was an implant by Emperor Augustine to control the narrative…and control the people. Jesus came to put an end to sin and death. If this is true (which it is) there is no separation from Him. Just the one we believe is present in our mind. And so we must go out and remind people who they are, who they were meant to be. Our mission isn’t to save people from a fiery eternal death (because what loving God would really do that? Would you do it to your kids??), our mission is to WAKE UP THE WHOLE EARTH so that the people can remember who they were meant to be. To heal DNA, to heal people and tribes and Nations and governments, and to realize that now, in this moment we were meant to rule and reign by His side. Not after we die…Jesus put an end to sin AND death. Jesus is the doorway, not death. Jesus is the hero, death is not.

Psalm 24:7-9

So wake up, you living gateways!
Lift up your heads, you ageless doors of destiny!
Welcome the King of Glory,
for he is about to come through you.
You ask, “Who is this Glory-King?”
The Lord, armed and ready for battle,
the Mighty One, invincible in every way!
So wake up, you living gateways, and rejoice!
Fling wide, you ageless doors of destiny!
Here he comes; the King of Glory is ready to come in.

We are the living gateways.

This morning’s dream was short and to the point.

I saw my phone with the splash screen of this game on my screen as it sat on the toilet seat lid in my bathroom. I heard the Lord say, “Today is your last day.” The toilet representing the fact that it is in fact a “waste” of my time…and my calling.

I knew that it needed to end…yesterday I knew. I also knew the day before and so I asked Him for the help, the grace to be done and so this morning I sent notes out. I apologized for letting people down that I had grown to like. I thanked another for his wisdom in helping me excel- it had it’s intended effect. And so upon the sending of those, I deleted the apps. Time to get back to the things that really matter because let’s face it, prayer is literally a matter of life or death in some cases. A matter of cancer and no cancer. I was just beginning to embark on this crazy journey of traversing time and space through His Spirit and I let my learning be interrupted by something that has no true benefit in my life.

The cost of following the ways of the world is too high. I won’t sacrifice my promises, my future, and my relationship with a Holy God.


Reap and sow

God’s judgement is always restorative. Whenever he judges a person or ministry, it is always so the error can be clearly seen and we can go back to the drawing board with Him and do what He has called us to.

Did you know anything you put your hand to that He has not called you to do is chaff in the wind…

So that church you are pastoring when you know you belong in the marketplace…burnt up like hay. That soup kitchen you are running when you should be fostering kids, charred like wood. We need to be seeking Him in regards to our scrolls and asking Jesus to break the seals so we can accomplish all He set out for us to do.

That might ruffle more than a few feathers…take it up with Him.

So I had another dream. It was about a mobile home park on a dead and parched piece of land. I know from years ago in a dream I had about myself and my now ex-husband that mobile homes represent foundation-less structures. The Bible says that Jesus is our foundation and without it we have people and ministries that can be shaken, swayed, bent and easily ruined.

On one of these mobile home spaces was no mobile but an old rusty Pinto with the back window busted out. It had this pieced together trailer that looked like bits of wood slapped together with some wheels thrown on. The woman I was with warned me as we left her mobile home that the parents had recently been diagnosed with a swift moving cancer and to not be startled at the appearance of the baby.

I was not startled. I was horrified. It’s skin was a sickly sallow-green. It’s teeth were cracked and filled with black, it’s fingernails and toenails looked the same and was surprised it was even alive. The baby was sitting in its car seat, the T-shirt it was wearing was a grey brown dirty colored shirt that was once white. She grabs him out of the car and brings it inside so he’s not sitting in a hot car. Suddenly the parents are there inside one of the bedrooms talking to another neighbor. The woman doesn’t look sick, she’s definitely pregnant though. She’s raving about their home (rusty Pinto) and says her favorite place to sit is by the busted out back window. The husband also looks healthy. The woman bends over and calls her baby “Frankie” over…a nickname for Frankenstein.

This couple represents people in ministry, people with a view that looks to the past instead of to the future. Their flesh has desired ministry and to be known by others and this is a cancer known as “self.” When we plant seeds and churches and ministries based on our own flesh and desires we create ministries only fit for the walking dead. The vehicle is old, rusted over and the trailer is slapped together without care, we have carried along theology that has been pieced together by man and man’s understanding, and we have taken little care in the delivery of the word of God and the believers in the church are protecting these Frankenstein ministries. The seeds we are sowing are dead works. The benefits we are reaping are even worse.

There is a new thing rising up. The way forward will not look like the past. At all. In fact it’s going to challenge your thinking, your theology and everything you thought you knew. There will be those who will freely receive the new information and seek the Lord over it, and those who will fully reject it.

The thing is, you are powerful to disagree. This isn’t a matter of salvation. It’s a matter of storing up treasure in heaven and leveling up in our maturity. Not all ministries will survive what the Lord is doing. Some will have much grace about it, some will not.



I had a dream last night.

Actually I’ve had a few lately and a few is modest. So I laid down, closed my eyes and began dancing in a ballroom with Jesus as we twirled around higher up into space. I was singing a mashup of two Kari Jobe songs where they, put together go like this, “And you sweep me away, sweep me away in your love, where nothing else matters; speak to me, I’m listening” and He said “I have already ironed out words for you.”

My heart jumped. Because I wasn’t yet asleep enough to be dreaming and yet I knew what it was He needed me to share. Both are hard.

I will spare you the dreams as not everyone understands them, but there are some that leave their mark like these. I will try to be quick as they are warnings and corrections and lately super wordy prophetic words have seemed to feel grating and repetitive.

The first warning being: Be careful who you follow.

In the dream a well known prophetic voice was huddled around a line of poor people standing in line for food. We were starving and discovered his wife had infiltrated our ranks, playing sob stories and sympathizing with others and more and more would chime in to express their similar stories of heartache, pain and our years of waiting. The “good doctor” stood by waiting, listening and taking notes. He wasn’t actually hearing from the Lord. He may have been in the past or even currently but there was a hunger to manufacture something based on the heart strings his wife pulled of his followers- the hungry believers waiting to be fed…until a Nickname slipped and suspicions grew among the people.

I then saw a Celtic rune map on a table and the center piece said MUN (sounds like myoon)

I looked up the meanings:

It was M, U, N.

M means: Self, Mankind, Culture, Friends

U: Strength, power, courage, ox (which an ox in Hebrew is God- the Aleph)

N: Need, Necessity, Hardship and Delays

The false prophets are basically Spying on us, gathering information and using God as the means of delivery and they are preying on our needs, hardships and delays of promises to speak a word and gain our trust.

My warning to you here is, if they are asking for money in any fashion (aka consider supporting this ministry or buy my books or even mention tithing… aka they have turned the church into a marketplace) RUN!

The next dream I had startled me. It wasn’t scary, just shocking.

I was in a place in the Spirit and I was small. Thumbelina sized- at least compared to what was next. I walked with an elder and a young man with curly red hair. They were giving me a grand tour and I saw that we were in a hospital. The walls were a pretty mint green and the medical equipment and technology looked about 1950’s in age. They said it was the most preserved thing that they had. They protected this old thing by upholding the state and date it was created in. We got off into a darker corner and there was a bed and this GIANT heap laying on it. I could see cords connected to it and wondered if whatever was under there was even still alive or if it was in a coma. the woman elder said she was one of my kind. A little girl (little in appearance but her sheer size was in no way little) then to my surprise pulled the blanket from over her head and startled me! In the next scene we were helping to brush her teeth as color began to return to her very grey complexion. The elder woman said with care the little girl could be well again.

Before I go on, the Lord needs people who are willing to partner with Him to bring life back to the church. It’s going through a sifting, some churches who are operating out of the flesh will disappear, others will restructure and leadership will change. The grieving of the Holy Spirit will be a thing of the past.

I do however want to explain the girl. She has a multifaceted message.

First of all, women are half of Gods makeup, His personality, in perfect circumstances a married couple was meant to display God in His fullness of character. Women were never meant to be sidelined. If you think this is false due to some things Paul said, you need to do some history research.

Second, we have silenced our child-like faith. It’s on life support. The Bible says that ANYTHING is possible with God. Why do we limit what He can do strictly to what we see in the Bible. The Bible is a conversation started with the Holy Spirit. There aren’t enough libraries in the world to house the books on the works of Jesus during His 3.5 years on earth and greater things He has for us to do. Don’t limit him. Renew your mind…revive your imagination because nothing is impossible. If you can think it or dream it, ask Him to help you make it happen!

Third, and maybe most important; we have preserved the church in a place that is old. We keep polishing the woodwork and touching up the paint on the walls, we are stuck in a past age of success and haven’t grown out of it. The church isn’t maturing, she’s on life support. If we want to change what we see we need to begin changing what we say. We must change the narrative and begin speaking life!


Poured out heart

My Love, my Lord, this new season just began and my sisters and brothers in the faith and I feel like we have our heads on a swivel. So many things you have warned me about and yet I hadn’t realized everything would begin to occur at once. So many things coming at us and yet this morning you gave me the perfect analogy:

Are you feeling like the walls are closing in? It’s like so many things are happening all at once…like when you rearrange your icons on your phone. On my iPhone they all shake. And we feel the shaking. It’s in this space that God has access to the X…the ability to purge you and your life of the unnecessary. To rearrange your priorities and it’s in that shaking where we feel the pressure of the movement in our heart. But He has His finger on the pulse of our lives and in this shaking and purging we will be rearranged and refreshed for His glory. Give in to the pressure of the Potters Hands and be moved by His heart over you.

We have to resolve to stay in a place of flexibility and let our fears and worries dissolve. Where He is taking us we must be willing to lay the things on our hearts down at His feet no matter what is taking place. There isn’t a thing that Elohim can’t overcome. He is not deaf to your cry, he is not blind to your plight. He knows every step you take before you take it, the end of the path from the beginning.

Take a moment to sit and thank him for having you so securely and then lay out all your concerns and things that worry you. Invite him into that space in your heart and mind and ask him to bring confidence to your heart- confidence that He who has promised is faithful and no measure of your worry will benefit you. Surrender your heart to this time of shifting and transition and allow the Lord God to move you.

You are a shining city on a hill. Don’t turn out the lights!


Of crumbs and cotton tails

There is a war being waged by nimble fingertips on keyboards across the country…

…across the world.

As Hope alights on the invisible fires lit and burning in our nations capital, corruption fueling the fire as more and more Americans wake up to the events unfolding as the 17th letter of the alphabet anonymously lights our candles as we rub sleepy eyes and step out to brave the Information Age- the information we ignored.

With eyes to see and ears to hear, we lift our faces from the games we play and the memes we write and laugh at to realize lives are being risked for us, and yet we trail along in life’s sweet ignorance, blind to the truth that has been staring us in the face and we have dared to ignore.

We have dared to ignore.

We have dared to ignore the brokenness, the division, we have embraced ignorance in an age where information is so readily available but yet so controlled because they know information in our hands is a weapon of warfare. A halberd in the hands of a skilled warrior, a keyboard warrior for now it is our time! Our time to lay our lives and reputations on the line for what is good and right and true! Our time to risk it all when so many have gone before us to protect our right to freedom and liberty and the pursuit of happiness, that in this land we are FREE because of the brave but for many years we have been bound in chains.

Every year, every day and every moment we are being stolen from, over and over again. Our senses being desensitized senselessly until the sheep sheepishly surrender to the mountain cliff. One. After. Another. They jump. Unwilling to continue in a world that has grown cold. Unsure of who they are, unsure of their value, unsure if they matter because our desensitized natures has caused us to wander aimlessly, selfishly, pointlessly. Given high goals, a consumerism nature where everything points to me and what I need and want, where instant gratification lessens the desire for human interaction and a phone or a tablet or tv or video game has replaced our relationships so we are so zoned out we would be better use asleep. At least then we could be woken up.

Hypnotized and paralyzed by the next best thing, those high up are corrupting things. They steal from us weekly with unconstitutional taxes, they are robbing us blind as they slip right past us our social security, retirement, and they are calling it taxes, wake up America! We are calling you back now.

Stand up and fight the best way that you can, arm yourself with information and knowledge before it too is taken from us. Study your history with all that you’ve got because our future will be better understood in the books with the dust. When this is all over, History will have to be re-written, to include the corruption and tell the truth from within.

For a man God ordained to drain out our swamp, the Bible it says (believe it or not) that when the Lord restores His people to their rightful place, the rest of the world will see judgement instead. They see things taken from them at the left and the right and completely misunderstand the reason we fight. There are powers at work that we don’t understand that feeds off of sex and dead babies in the can. Blood and sex sacrifices to the gods and spirits of this world, they don’t realize that death has been unfurled.

My dear American, my comrade, my neighbor; please don’t judge me, just do me a favor. Follow the white rabbit wherever it may lead, and qmap.pub is where you may be freed. So follow this rabbit down into the hole and you will find all that Wonderland has to behold. There’s stories of heroes, of liars and pawns, there’s stories of evil Satan spawn. Don’t cover your ears, please don’t cover your eyes so what’s coming next doesn’t come as a surprise.

Let the cards fall where they may, Alice.

Yes, let them fall.

Where we go one, we go all.


No audience


Some days the noise of this world screams so loud that I long for the silence. The days where the only thing I hear is my cat purring. No TV, sometimes a little bit of music. To hear nothing but the beating of your heart in the purely silent moments of life.

Some day I will allow someone to join me in silence, where there’s no pressure to fill space and time with noise but just their presence is enough to fill ten thousand conversations. To know that in that moment, in the silence that my presence is enough, that his presence-your presence is enough. To know that you are sound in yourself, and that you are enough. That I am enough.

Lord, as I sit in the silence with you- I know that You are enough for me, and that You are enough for us. And that someday soon you will turn a me into a we, and the silence before you will resonate 2 heartbeats as one.



My dad came to stay with me. Two days after my surgery there he was; sent by my grandma who was thrilled I asked her to send him. You know when you have been on your own for so long that having family over for too long can feel like nails grating on a chalkboard? Well, it never got like that. It was a little bumpy the first couple days, but after that it was amazing.

I laugh in retrospect about how much he hustled to keep the house clean in those first days, asking me how I let it get like that. After about 4 days he realized I don’t and how quickly it looks like you didn’t do anything. He commented once after he got the kitchen clean and said “well that should last an hour or two.” I think we ate out that night and squeezed a few more hours out of it. I miss him. I’m glad I had that 1:1 time with him and wish I wasn’t trying to heal. We would have had a lot more fun.

The three weeks he was here felt too short in one aspect, but in regards to healing it’s felt like an eternity. I have largely survived the first week without any help except the kids and I think we are doing rather well! But am I really only 4 weeks post-op tomorrow? *sigh*

I don’t get to walk again until the 29th and I know that sounds whiny and I should be grateful, but my body is getting impatient. Muscles in my leg are twitching bad and at night I wake myself up trying to stretch my leg and stop myself, concerned I would hurt myself. Being up for too long still causes swelling but at least the super crazy itching has subsided. I gave myself a blister scratching too hard! Showering is hard, I finally figured out how to get in and out of my shower without hopping in on one foot or crawling. I kept having this thought of slipping and falling and calling 911 and wondering how I would get along with stitches up the crack of my tushy. So I put my knee on the toilet seat and pivot around so I can put my “Really Useful Leg” in the shower first and then slowly standing up.

I’m often amazed at how vulnerable we are when we are physically broken. How susceptible we are to accidents and rogue circumstances. Seems like no matter how careful I am things find me! Like just doing my thing and things are falling over on me, or are suddenly in my way…three times Jeremiah left his shirt and sweater in my path in the SAME PLACE all three times. Really dude??

But really, among all of this I feel quiet. People keep reaching out to me and I can’t seem to find anything to say. My normally encouraging self can’t seem to come up with much to say. Quiet. I don’t feel sad (🤔 do I feel sad? Hmm nah) but just quiet. I’ve been reading up on and watching/listening to a bunch of Q stuff, working, playing Skylanders and trying to keep the house semi decent and kids fed. I’m living in stretchy pants and loose T-shirts and it’s a miracle I haven’t gained a bunch of weight.

But still quiet. In the quiet recesses of my mind, I want to fade away. I don’t know why, and I feel bad for the many people I love as well as my dream ministry but, I feel like Cinderella in her room. At the point where she knows she can go to the ball but has just been overloaded with so much work that she knows there’s no way she will get to go because she doesn’t have a dress that’s sufficient. It’s that place where most of us sit there and think…I could try- but what’s the point. And so we sit there trying to make it all pan out in our head and it just doesn’t.

So I’m quiet. Thinking. Lost in thought. Listening for the Lord to speak to me. Pensive.

Forgive me for my silence.


*Warning* Sensitive stomachs steer clear

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*In this post there are pictures that might upset some, cause stomach upheaval, and may not be the most awesome thing for kids to see. And feet. Lot’s of pictures of my feet. Proceed at your own risk. I’m not responsible for lost lunches or dinners…or children’s nightmares*

With that said, this is probably one of the most raw (no pun intended) posts I’ve ever made. We all like to give off the appearance that we have it all together. I personally don’t really care. The Lord has asked me to live authentically…so that means sharing, and ripping apart pretenses, and who you *think* I am, and allow you to see who I really am.

I sat in the doctors office this morning trying to not cry…unsuccessfully of course.  This surgery has been…filled with gross things, like not being able to take a shower for days at a time, greasy hair and wearing clothing longer than I would like simply because I’ve nearly fallen almost every time I have to change my pants. Yeah…TMI, I know. But honestly in this time I’m really feeling the whole “safety first” and with how off balance I’ve felt since this all started, it’s such a short period of time I’ll have to endure it vs if I get hurt and have to go back in for surgery again because I re-injured something.

If you haven’t read my my last post, I’ll save you the read and re-share what happened last Saturday:

We were walking out of a restaurant and I was commenting how the wheels on my scooter get caught on everything. Seriously everything. And in that moment as I described how one wheel catches in the cracks and causes the handlebars to jam and I nearly fall; as if to demonstrate the sort of fall I was describing the wheel got stuck on the left, my left foot was toward the back of the scooter and out of place for a save the scooter then began to tilt to the right where I have no bodily support I then flew to the right over the knee pad, slammed my splinted heel on the concrete and to save myself from more injury to my expensive surgery I lifted my foot up and slammed to the ground on my back and my head followed suit. I just sort of laid there as people flocked out of the restaurant towards me, my dad (who is hard of hearing) walked a few more paces before realizing I was no longer speaking.

I was concerned, but not overly so. Until a few days ago when I decided to unwrap my ankle.

So here is what I was dealing with to start with:

Since I can remember I’ve not been able to wear proper shoes, I’ve never been able to wear workout shoes or tennis shoes that weren’t Converse, I couldn’t wear those cute heels with the ankle cuff or the buckle. Boots…I love boots but in the years between the pair I had in junior high and the present, the mass had grown to a point where finding boots was nearly impossible. I’m happy to report that in the last 2 years I was able to find a black and a brown pair that would fit my ginormous calf muscles as well as Quasimodo. Yeah…I may have named it. It’s been embarrassing to me and it does catch peoples attention…at least it did. This has caused me to be much less physically active than I want to be, it has limited me in many ways and I knew the Lord was telling me it was transformation time, in order to do so this thing from my past needed to die. He said to me, “What I have done on the inside must also manifest on the outside.” So here we are.

A week post-op…someone said it looked like a cadaver foot lol. So this was 2 days before the fateful fall you read about above.

When I initially fell, I struggled with nerve pain in the top of my foot and big toe and since have realized that I have ice burns, and every time I put ice on, inside 5 minutes it feels like my foot swells and like lightning is shooting off inside of it. This is even through like 5 layers of fabric. Crutches are hard. I have them at the top of my stairs so I can get to and from my bedroom. I knew it would be hard, but no one mentioned the use and strain the rest of your muscles on the other side would experience. I have a friend who calls herself a flamingo after she lost one of  her legs just below the knee and I can COMPLETELY relate to that. The other muscles on the left side of my body have had to compensate extra for balance, I’ve nearly toppled over on crutches a few times by high centering…I killed my ironing board that way. I was sliding on my hardwood flooring in my flip flop while on crutches as I continued to fall over and had nothing but my ironing board to catch my fall. I leaned on it as it slowly bent closer to the ground and I finally shouted to my dad to come help me. Needless to say it went out with the trash on Monday.

I finally decided on Tuesday evening that I was going to unwrap it. The splint was bothering the side of my ankle and I wasn’t certain on the placement of the stitches so I wanted to see how close in proximity they were. When I sat down and unwrapped, that’s what I saw. I was now concerned. Every twitch and twinge, throb, every electrifying feeling fleeting through my foot gave me anxiety. I know, we aren’t supposed to be anxious for anything, but…ya know?? I text messaged my doctor, the nurse wrote the wrong number on the paper. I called the office Wednesday morning telling the girl over the phone what had happened only to get a call back confirming my appointment for this morning.

I get in the doctors office and I tell the story. She unwraps it and my eyes start tearing up, my heart concerned by the possibility that I may have damaged what had been done. She got me over to the x-ray machine and took some pictures and sat me back down in my room. That catch in my throat and chest just sat there. Being a single mom is SO HARD! I’ve been so grateful for the help of my dad since he came, but in 10 days I won’t have him anymore and the thought of having to start over was terrifying. The doctor comes in and the look on his face is of grave concern as I can’t help but cry retelling my fall. He begins to tell me that he believes it will all be okay. No cast, he drains the blood blister and then explains where he actually did the tendon repair…it wasn’t just any tear on a random tendon, it was my Achilles tendon. He said it was far worse than he originally anticipated. The scary part to me is, I had no idea. I had tolerated and forgotten the pain for so long that I didn’t even realize I was in pain until my my second appointment with him when he looked at my MRI scans and asked me if I was sure I wasn’t in pain.

Look at those frankfurters lol, my toes look like tiny Vienna Sausages…

The Lord told me that this is the start of my new beginning, and that there are many more facets to it than I think, like a diamond that sparkles and shines and has many facets, it enables it to take in more light and shine it in more directions. I don’t feel very shiny right now, but thank God it’s not all based on how I feel. Today has been a pretty emotional day for me. The tears I cry now are ones of gratitude.

The really gross picture below is the mass that the doctor removed from my ankle on the day of surgery. He was pretty amazed at how big it was. I’m just grateful it’s a part of my past now, and is not allowed to step into my future. I do however recognize that the surgery was very connected spiritually. It was meant to repair the tendon, so that my walk with the Lord will be fully healed and unhindered, and the mass removed so that I spiritually can “run my race” when before I couldn’t even wear a pair of running shoes.

So, sometime after Christmas I’ll be fully walking again. And that is the greatest gift ever.

But a pair of running shoes might be a close second 😉




I’m in so much pain…

Today I was out with my dad, and I fell.


We were walking out of a restaurant and I was commenting how the wheels on my scooter get caught on everything. Seriously everything. And in that moment as I described how one wheel catches in the cracks and causes the handlebars to jam and I nearly fall; as if to demonstrate the sort of fall I was describing the wheel got stuck on the left, my left foot was toward the back of the scooter and out of place for a save the scooter then began to tilt to the right where I have no bodily support I then flew to the right over the knee pad, slammed my splinted heel on the concrete and to save myself from more injury to my expensive surgery I lifted my foot up and slammed to the ground on my back and my head followed suit. I just sort of laid there as people flocked out of the restaurant towards me, my dad (who is hard of hearing) walked a few more paces before realizing I was no longer speaking.

Knot on my head, strangers hugging me and a frightened restaurant owner running out to ensure I was truly okay. Which I was…and was not. Going from fully capable to immobile is not something I’m handling very well. I’m doing too much, I’m seeing things in myself that I don’t like in this space, things I need to fully surrender to Him and ask Him to change these in me. I have been independent, and I’m in this place so I can learn to be dependent again. To share responsibilities and not try to do it all on my own.

I’m struggling and admit that I need prayer in this area. Since my dad has been here, I may have gotten a little excitable (to say it nicely) in the car, possibly expecting too much and feeling frustrated that I can’t just drive places on my own. And for some reason I suddenly can’t tell my left from my right so giving directions has been…complicated. So now I have put Siri in charge of that.

And I’m trying really hard to ask for more help.

To make matters worse I put ice on my foot when I got home and fell asleep for longer than 20 minutes. I have ice burns now on my toes and the top of my foot despite 3-5 layers of gauze and Ace Bandages. It feels like someone is stabbing my foot with a dull darning needle. It hurts worse than my surgery site and pain killers is not helping.

Top that off, my dreams recently and things like this:

Is making containing my heart difficult. It’s that certain beginning I’ve been waiting on. This is my training ground…and I’m trying to stay sane through the pain.

Once this healing is over I’m going for a run…


Sheep Herding

This. Is. Hard. Harder than I ever could have expected. The Lord is revealing things to me that I knew I had trouble with, but now is the time to take hold of it and truly heal.

Cressa and I were talking on my way to surgery on Friday. She said that back in Bible times if a sheep ran off, the shepherd would break its legs so that it had no choice but to remain with the Shepherd to build a close relationship with him. How true is this. It’s just like the wilderness the Israelites walked through. They lived in a place of miraculous provision for 40 years. They had manna from Heaven (Jed said that It tasted like Milk and Honey, a “taste” of their promised land), their tents and clothes never wore out, they had water and everything they needed and they were overshadowed by the Shepherd in a pillar of fire and herded like sheep all around the desert.

On my way to her house I was praying and telling the Lord how grateful I was for my friends. Sometimes life keeps us so busy we do pause and wonder who our real friends are. I was on my way to their house that morning and I was talking with God asking for forgiveness for being so stubborn and not opening up more and being receptive to accepting help when I need it. I then was praying and thanking Him for their friendship and I pulled behind a truck with a trailer and there was a sticker on the trailer door that said “When you need em, they’re there” and on the left door it said “Sheep Herding”.

Tears. At dinner I was retelling what the Lord has been speaking to me. Sharing with them my gratefulness of their constant love and hospitality. As I sat there before them the Holy Spirit came over me and the Lord said to me that this surgery was a door. An open door that I chose to walk through, knowing what awaited me on the other side.

I have trouble asking for help. A LOT of trouble. This is rooted in pride- but not for the reasons you think. When I was younger, I went to college. It just wasn’t for me and I hated every moment of it. My grandma paid for it. When I went to trade school and I was ready to pay it off, she offered and I said no. No, because I had wasted her money and paying for my own mistake was the right thing to do. Similar situations have arisen in the years since where the predicament wasn’t necessarily my fault but I was still the one to reach out for help. I pushed back pretty hard when it came up but it made me throw up a wall. To be strong and smart enough to never be in a position where I have to be a burden. And it was then that I somehow labeled myself a burden. It has made this period difficult.

In Song of Solomon at the end it says that the Shulamite Woman was leaning on her beloved on her way out of the desert. Fully relying on Him. How often do we not ask for things that we need? The big things, the small things? How long do we sit and suffer or do without when as His children we have only but to ask? He has so much for us! He wants us to be so reliant on Him that we ask Him for the Big and Small alike.

This is a brand new season. We have to change with it. We have to be willing to be vulnerable in Him. He’s not a genie, but He wants us to reach out and ask Him for the little things and the big things. He says to ask Him for anything in Jesus name.

What can we ask Him for that makes us vulnerable in Him. How can we bring others into our circle and allow them to be a part of our lives? We need to live authentic lives and that means taking down our walls.