I scoured the interwebs searching and searching for some hopeful story of the girl that God told her who her husband was and she totally messed it up. I mean like royally. But all I could find were the stern warnings of “don’t tell him!” and “keep it to yourself and just pray” and “make sure this isn’t your flesh talking.”
I was looking because…well…I am that girl.
I felt that this was important to get out there. I’m tired of hiding, waiting in hopeful anticipation and wondering if what I did could be redeemed or not ,so I’m writing this just as much for you as for me. This post is for all the girls who put their hand in the cookie jar and came up empty…cause the cookies weren’t done yet…and continue to open and close the lid.
In the beginning, God created…oh sorry…wrong story. Ok, in the beginning (about 2.5 years ago), the Lord confirmed my husband for me- through means that I can’t make up. He had sent me to a church through some crazy circumstances. On my first day there, I’m all hopeful that I would make new friends and meet new people! I was excited about this new chapter in my life!! I sit down and I see this man on stage and I’m sitting by myself in the front row and I blurted out “This man needs my help!” Slightly mortified, I look around because I have NO IDEA where that came from. It wasn’t even a thought in my head, but it came out of my mouth. I felt the Lord impress on my heart to let him know that I had been sent there to help him. I had no idea in what way but I didn’t care! I was so grateful for what the Lord was doing in my life that I would scrub toilets if it were asked of me. Turned out he was the “Creative Director” of the church and so I’m thinking…Ok, I paint, I draw, play a few instruments, can read music, sing, willing to learn, I sew and can make things…generally an artsy fartsy girl. The only caveat I had was that I am a single mom of 2 kids and so I would do my best to be available. The following Sunday, I walked up and told him that I’d been sent to help and I expected some excitement…and direction. I got nothing. I was slightly puzzled.
The following Monday morning I argued with God. I was a little ticked (though, I have no right to be…He is God after all). I had just gone to a new church and it felt like He was sabotaging my ability to make new friends by having me start off attendance like that. I said, “God, WHY would You have me say something SO GENESIS to a PERFECT STRANGER!! This is a brand new church! Don’t make me a pariah in the first week please!” He didn’t respond to my rants except I heard “3 years”. I wrote it off. Three years for what?! I was mad and embarrassed.
I went through the week and on Thursday, I decided to reach out to this man via email and ask him how I could be of help. I wish I kept it so I could share it with you, but it was filled with my qualifications and how grateful I would be to help him in any way. I STILL had no clue at this point. But later that evening…
Frustrated, I didn’t understand why someone wouldn’t jump on the opportunity to have help. Earlier in the day when I had looked up his email, I had also found that there were some recordings of him preaching. Hmm…he preaches too? Cool. Maybe there was something in there that could clue me in to how I could help since he hadn’t gotten back to me. It was a Thursday night and I had no kids and so I decided to get in the bath and relax. It was a break for me and I didn’t get too many of them and life had just gone from 100mph to about 10 and I was due some R&R. I began listening and I don’t recall what it was all about, but this man that I didn’t find attractive had a heart for God and he was on FIRE. I laid there in awe and said aloud,
“God! Men like this EXIST?? When you send me a man, send me one with a heart like THIS!”
And God said (loud and clear): “NO”
Um…what? Come again? (in this span of seconds a BILLION things ran through my head as to why he would say no and not yes. He said,
“NOT “A” MAN, THIS MAN”
My face sunk, I was thoroughly shocked. And then as if that was the most absurd thing I’d ever heard I said,
“Okay God, I’ll call your bluff. This man. Grant me this man.” And in the seconds following the words that I have since eaten, it sounded like someone cranked up the volume on the speaker that was still playing the preaching and this man’s voice rang out so loud in my ears the words of Matthew 7:7 and James 4:2:
“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. The Lord says you have not because you ask not.”
I burst into tears. I was struggling to believe what I had just heard. I have dreams like crazy. But this was the second time I had heard God aloud in a two week time frame. My encounter was just beginning…