Let me tell you about the worst Valentines Day I ever had…
You know, in retrospect I giggle at this story because it’s so completely…ridiculous that if I don’t laugh I would probably cry…well technically I did. But as I’ve gotten older and once again single I realize the weight put on Valentines day. It’s a single day in an entire calendar year that we use to show our significant other how much we love them…
…Shouldn’t we be doing that the other 364 days per year too? Hmm, just a thought.
So there I was, nearly 20 years old, had been dating my boyfriend for about a year and a half and things were okay. I mean, they weren’t perfect but no one’s relationship was, right? Things between him and I were waning and I could feel it from him and I didn’t understand why. His family loved me, his brothers loved me…except his youngest brother who was Autistic…he just threw shoes at me.
So Valentines day 2003 went down in my history books as the WORST Valentines Day EVER. It included candy hearts, a card and some coyotes and shoes…or a lack thereof. Oh, and video games.
I worked retail at the time and I found the most adorable skirt on clearance for a buck. I’m a seer so I can always see things differently than everyone else. This skirt was way too small for me and it was an ankle length skirt. When I finished it was knee length and fit me perfectly. I added some lace and ribbon and was pretty satisfied with my outfit for Valentines day…cause of course I needed somewhere to wear it to. My wheels began turning and I was devising an awesome Valentines day for this boyfriend of mine. I was going to make a picnic, take him to the beach and eat on the sand and take a walk after and just make it a nice romantic evening for us. I was so excited! Two weeks before Valentines Day had arrived I started working on my skirt and I told him that I had made plans for us for Valentines Day. He frowned a bit and said “Oh, I had made plans for us for Valentines Day.” No worries, I’m flexible! I told him we could do what he had planned. When I asked him what the plans were he wouldn’t tell me. It was a surprise.
Valentines Day arrived. I got off of work, got all dressed up, curled my hair, did my makeup and got dressed and drove the 25 minutes to his house up in Carbon Canyon. I get there and he’s not dressed. I asked him why he wasn’t dressed and he looked at me and said “Why are you dressed up?” I looked at his mom who looked at me and we both had the raised eyebrow and she said, “Ryan, today is Valentines Day.” to which he responded,
“Is that supposed to mean something to me?” I stood there speechless. I asked him about the plans he said he had made and I was told that he made it up. It was all a lie because he didn’t want me being the one to make plans. So there I was. All dressed up and literally nowhere to go. I sat there on the couch, he sat to my right and refused to get up. He said that Valentines Day is such a commercialized day and it was stupid anyway. Then his dad walked in.
“Happy Valentines Day!” said his dad as he came around and passed out candy hearts to his kids and gave his wife some flowers and chocolates. He handed me a box of conversation hearts and said, “What did your Valentine get you??” I broke. The dams of frustration and hurt couldn’t hold it back anymore and I blurted out, “NOTHING!” and I ran out of the house as he said, “I don’t know what the big deal is!”
I was infuriated. I was so mad that I had made plans for him that he asked me to set aside just because it was bothering his pride that I wanted to make the plans and not him. So I took a walk. At night. Without shoes or a sweater. I walked down the street, went out to a semi main road and walked down the middle of the street just hoping he would chase after me. He would wouldn’t he? I cried all of my mascara off and I kept feeling like I was being followed. I paused and turned around and saw 3 sets of glowing eyes off to the side; Coyotes. Trying not to panic or run or show fear I started walking a little faster and at some point I turned around and shouted, “YOU BETTER LEAVE ME ALONE!!” Starting to get cold, I decided to head back. I get inside and he asked me why I was hiding at his next door neighbors house, who happened to be my friend. I insisted I wasn’t and told him what happened. He figured I must have been lying and hiding out in the horse stables directly behind his house. He thought I was lying. I just got trailed by coyotes for a few blocks! “Why didn’t you come after me?!” I asked. Because he didn’t think I actually left. Unbelievable. I’m mad as heck. He gets up and gets dressed and says ok, let’s go somewhere. So, we meet up with his best friend and his girlfriend…who both seem to be having a similar night. On our way to his friends house he reaches under the seat and hands me a grocery bag. He said,
“Here. I got this for you. I read the first couple of lines and it sounded like something you’d like.” Unsigned. Not even in the envelope. I was devastated. What was happening! So we got to his friends house and we all decided we were gonna go get something to eat. At least that would make my night feel a little better. So myself and his best friend’s girlfriend Addy sat there and waited. And waited. They started playing a video game…and we waited…until it was far too late for a nice dinner…in fact it was almost no longer Valentines Day when we finally got some fast food.
Shortly after that I broke it off. It was okay, apparently he was going to as well.
You ever look them up years later and go *whew* dodged that bullet…yeah it’s kinda like that. We dodge some bullets and not others. But you know what I’ve learned about Valentines Day since then, and even through being married and divorced?
You can’t make up for a lack of love on one single day of the year. You. Just. Can’t. You either love or you don’t. Ladies, this is why we are waiting. Because the Love the the Lord gives us is WORTH THE WAIT, no matter how long the wait ends up being. The Love the Lord gives you has been tested, tried, true. The Lord saw that man’s heart and thought yes, this is good enough for my daughter. But let’s think about that in reverse. The Love the Lord has promised someone else in YOU is worth the wait. He’s still working on us. We have to learn to love ourselves, even on Valentines Day. Don’t shut yourself away with a box of chocolates and a box of tissues hiding under a blanket. Take yourself out to dinner! Have a glass of wine, and a bit of dessert. You are worth it. Do something for you, set an expectation for yourself that you won’t give in to the commercialization of this “holiday” and expect someone to do something for you. Do it for yourself. And don’t just do it on Valentines Day. Make a habit of taking yourself out! We put such a heavy expectation on this day…especially on men. It’s unfair. The only expectation we should have is our own of ourselves. Single or in a relationship, it’s still a day about Love. Treat yourself! Go have a bath, do something nice for you.
So, what are you waiting for! Go make some dinner reservations for ONE!
You know every time I get on this kick of documenting my journey someone I know ALWAYS comes along and says something like “Oh just be happy being single” or “You don’t need a man to take care of you” or “focus on God” and the list goes on. The fact is, I AM happy being single, I am okay alone. Some have felt I am crazy for waiting like I am. Others have made hurtful comments that have made me feel like they view me as desperate. If I was unhappy about being single I would NOT be content to wait and I would have been “out there” on the dating sites trying to catch a man and I haven’t. And yes, I don’t need a man to take care of me, that is also true. I’m God sufficient and I am blessed. Everything I have been able to do and accomplish is because He made it so. And wouldn’t you know it…my focus IS on God. The reason I share like this though is because this IS a big part of my spiritual life and journey. This is the thing He has chosen to use to grow and stretch my faith and cause me to get closer to Him. It’s difficult for people who don’t hear from God like I do…and even for those who DO hear God like I do to understand what He has asked me to do. To many it doesn’t make sense and likely dear sister, you have come under fire too.
The Lord says, “I am the Alpha and the Omega; the Beginning and the End. Is there anything that is too hard for me? I know your heart longs for finality; completion of the things I have said to you but Beloved, just a little bit more. I will bring to pass all that I have promised you and though it tarry, wait for it. The sun rises over the mountains and falls over the oceans, and dear one I created these things; am I not more faithful than they? I know you don’t see what I see, but I am changing hearts because of you. Because of you and for you people are seeing Me! Though you don’t see your fruitfulness, it’s there and there’s more than you can imagine. Every time you perceive failure is an opportunity for you to allow Me to step in and do what only I can do. Failure is not recorded, all I see is a surrendered and permissive heart, a heart that says YES to Me. If you only knew it’s value; more than rubies and I will strengthen you like diamonds. I see your heart aching, I see all of the things you are up against, the things that threaten to break you but they cannot. You are a carrier of my strength and My Glory and nothing can break you dear one because it has to come through me first. I hold off much of what you are up against and let some through to refine you and condition you like fine leather until you are versatile and flexible and beautiful. You are being fitted for a crown of righteousness and know that it is already yours in the Spirit. I see your finished state, full of faith and boldly declaring the things of the Lord over your towns, regions, states and countries. There is nothing that can hold back this move of God and there’s nothing that can no longer hold you back either. Throw off the chains of yesterday, they don’t belong to you anymore. Throw off your cares because I care for you. I will supply all your needs according to My riches in Glory according the Jesus- the one I sent to chase you down and bring you into my heart. You were made for such a time as this and it’s time. Time to stand before the King and declare your needs.”
Today the Lord has brought up the word courage. It’s taken some courage to post the last 7 posts. But more than that, our forward movement is also going to take some courage to move us from where we are into where we are going.
My story isn’t over here. It’s only beginning and I’m starting to see the Lords beautiful plan begin to unfold.
After my moment of panic and being laid off for a VERY long summer at home with my kids, the Lord was true to His word and I landed a job back at the same place I once worked before the layoff. It was more than I could have dreamed, working with familiar faces- and no longer a contractor. Although I have been ruined for the ordinary and Spiritual matters consumes a great deal of my heart, I do enjoy the people and the job. The Lord is moving in my life- and He’s moving in yours too.
But there’s two words that have made me shudder, caused me unrest and at times fear.
Yep. The words that threaten every promise the Lord has given because He will never act against it. He’s a gentleman like that. That means that the Lord could present me to this man I have been covering in prayer and praying over for nearly three years and he could exercise his free will and say no.
Could you imagine?? No??? The thought is enough to bring you to your knees, begging and pleading for a do-over and more questions than you have answers to. But let me assure you of something;
God is NOT surprised. Not even a little bit.
Your prayers apply still. But listen- if GOD (not you…the Lord will present you to him, not you. You are in NO WAY to chase after or pursue this man…you wait and the Lord will let you know the status) presents beautiful and ready you to your future husband and he says no- 1. The Lord May yet have the last word. It becomes a wait 2. If it’s a no and the Lord releases you from him – God already knew and He will let you know too. There was a purpose to you walking through this and He has another of equal value, NOT a second best, a First best. There’s never plan B with God. He knows the end from the beginning and knows what will happen before it does. It may frustrate him when people don’t follow His ways- but it never surprises Him. He’s not shaken by our disobedience. And if your future husband rejects you- he wasn’t ready or mature enough in the first place and doesn’t deserve you.
There are others who need your story. They need what you and your future husband have to offer and the calling God has placed on your lives. Don’t give up. The enemy wouldn’t fight you and try to steal from you if what you are fighting for wasn’t already yours. Did you hear me?
The enemy can’t steal from you if it’s not already yours!!
And there are others around you who will be affected by the anointing on your lives. Those that your journey is also helping to grow.
I haven’t mentioned my children much in this. I did my best to hide and keep this silent from them. And I was largely successful until recently. Back on July 4th of 2016 I explained to my children that in 5 days their dad would be getting remarried. They asked questions like “are you marrying our daddy too” and “who are you marrying” and why I wasn’t going to be there. I explained that I had been given a promise and certain criteria and I was not going to compromise and marry just anyone. I would marry the only one. I said only God could bring this man. I also explained that they would be getting a new mommy, not to replace me but in addition to me. They understood that this was addition and not takeaway. At 8:45 pm on July 4th, 2016 my children prayed simultaneously and said,
“Dear God, please bring my mommy a husband so we can have a new daddy” and I cried. I knew at that moment that this was their promise too. My children are prophetically gifted like me and so I knew I had to be careful not to plant information that would affect their dreams. If God wanted to reveal it to them, I wanted them to get pure information not information they absorbed from me.
Unfortunately I didn’t take into account that my child can read (REALLY well I might add) and my journal is within reach of tiny hands at any time. I love that he loves to read…just not my journal…and not to his sister. It took a while but they figured it out, pausing some days to gawk and point and say his name really loudly at church to the point where- well remember I said I had been getting resentful? I couldn’t keep up pretenses when my daughter in a reach for attention told me she saw him, hugged him and told him he was her new daddy. I’ve not been that mad in a while, so mad I panicked. I cried. I wondered if I would be escorted from church on Sunday. I fought with this fear for a week only for my daughter to say she was just kidding. What was funny was by the end of the week I had come to terms with it all and I no longer cared.
So I asked the Lord to give me peace to leave- He said no. A month later I asked again and His peace flooded my heart. I was free to go. Granted there was work to be done where I wanted to go, I was glad to go. I needed the break. And I was certain that no one would miss me. I was wrong. It took one Sunday absence for my friend to reach out, two for my other friend. I was loved! I was valued! I spent so much of my life in the reject pile I assumed in pride that no one cared. And after almost 2 months gone, I went back and it felt like home. We have to remember that we go to church to be with the Body of Christ, to worship the Lord, and to learn and edify each other. We don’t go to church for people. People will ALWAYS fail you and it’s not about them remember? Nor you.
I know that many people there know about my promise. I know that they know who my heart is after and I also know that I didn’t tell many of those people. But it’s okay. Maybe they need to see a display of God’s power, His promise fulfillment at work in my life to resurrect promises in theirs. Remember our God is in the business of resurrection and restoration, and He will raise you up in the sight of all who doubted you. Not so you can act prideful but so you can encourage others to believe in the Promise Keeper again. So lost and cold dreams can be brought back to life, so the furnace fires can be lit once more and you can lead others into standing steadfast. He never forgets a promise!!
And He hasn’t forgotten yours. When you get into the dance with the Lord- surrender, yes, receive, surrender, yes Lord, receive, you are growing in your faith and are learning how to lead others in the dance as well.
You wanna know one of the critical mistakes and also blessings I have made in all this?
Sharing. We are supposed to guard our promises- protect them. It’s been a hard lesson that has grown my discernment.
People have doubted and spoken against my promise…and yet I have shared and gained sisters who are also carrying. The burden is so much lighter when you have another sister to smack you upside the head and pull you back to reality when you are spiraling into a pit of doubt and despair.
Certain my days of waiting were over, I began to get resentful in my heart. Resentful of being shunned, resentful that I had been with the church for a year and a half before people (except one family and one other person) seemed to start noticing me. Resentful for other reasons and I was picking. Picking on everything and in one night of sorrow, I cried and felt the Lord release me from this church that I had been called to…where my promised husband is every Sunday…to leave and go where people knew my name. I needed to step away and have a perspective sandwich.
Let me back up though. 2017 was a MESSED up year. It was for everyone I think. But for me, that meant spending from April to October on unemployment. Without my grandma and grandpa and my dad, my neighbor as well as the kindness of my ex husband and his wife- I wouldn’t have made it intact. At the very end of it, fear took over. I began looking at my dreams and was certain God was going to do something drastic in my life. Sell my house? Live off the equity? Move? What did this part of my life look like as I had already received my last unemployment check and the job search was coming up dry. I was in not only the last hour…but the last minute before drastic decisions needed to be made.
I sucked up my homeowner pride and called Grandma. She always said I had a home at her house. Maybe I just needed a reset. God wanted me 100% reliable on Him. Well wave the white flag cause I was there. I was at church when a realization hit me. God wanted me to move to California. I sobbed behind a speaker while he looked at me from the corner of his eye.
MOVE?? But he’s here?? Shhh Amanda, it’s okay, if God wants you to move to California then you go without question! If it’s His will, He will unite you there. So, I made the call to Grandma.
I was so sure of Grandmas answer. I told God that if it wasn’t what He wanted me to do then He needed to stop this. I was so sure she would say yes that I cried tears of joy when she said NO.
“I’m so sorry Amanda, I’m afraid your Grandpa and I can’t do kids at our old age and I’m afraid if you sold your house and left you would never have this again.” I cried.
It was the most grateful no I had ever been the recipient of. I had California as a dream symbol for so long and it had been a while since I had it I never readdressed what California meant. I only knew it was my point or origin; home.
I began to look up the name California and discovered with sigh of relief in my heart what the Lord was telling me. He wanted me to move…into the promised land. California is called the Land of Milk and Honey.
on that day I swore to them, to bring them out from the land of Egypt into a land that I had selected for them, flowing with milk and honey, which is the glory of all lands.
Promises. God fulfills all His promises. That’s so exciting!!! We don’t have to do anything but be obedient to His call!! I know I had messed up, made some mistakes but surely I and my mistakes were accounted for in His plan. I thought for certain this would be the Christmas that I received my promise but there are some finishing touches that need be applied. So I wait on His timing and continue to interact in the Spirit with him. Because God’s timing is certain and perfect.
So I had been away from church for a while. About 2 months? I had gone to my old church where I knew people and from the moment I walked in there were people who lit up at seeing me. Hugs abounding, conversations ensuing and faces that I have missed kept coming. New faces continually coming to greet me and I was so grateful! My kids did well and enjoyed the class (after I was finally able to walk away) and I left there feeling like I had a much needed breath of fresh air. No church is perfect. This one isn’t either, but they have a good thing going on and the pastor always brings the Word. It was the first little church I went to when I first moved to Idaho and it was maybe 30-50 members strong. It was over 200 now, they had a TON of kids and many new faces on stage too. I was so glad to see that they were thriving!
But I was missing my front seat. I was missing the faces I had come to know. I was waiting for sermons to come online…and I waited. And waited some more. I realized that the reason I ran away and left, and why I had been given permission to go was 1- Because there was an assignment from Heaven. 2- Because I needed to be refreshed. So one evening while talking with my friend from London I realized that I had let go of the way I had been feeling. I was no longer frustrated and I realized that it was time to go back. Something had shifted and I didn’t know what. I stepped in the door, sat in my seat and knew I was back where I was supposed to be.
Luke 1:45 Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!”
Yes Lord, I believe. I was on stable ground again in my heart. There are some days I struggle- some more than others, but I had been solid in this promise. Maybe a little too solid. I had a few dreams in late 2016/early 2017 that depicted some letters being delivered, information being passed to this man that I was carrying in my heart- like a mother carries a baby before giving birth, I prayed over him daily, protecting my promise like a mother protecting her young. I was still learning how to interpret my dreams, I had been faithful to pray over them and go through them to gain understanding and eventually the Lord gifted me with the Gift of Interpretation.
Unfortunately not soon enough.
It was March of 2017 and so many prophetic voices were speaking about Ruth and how in this season we have to step out and obtain our promises, the time to ACT had come! I was still in a space and place where I didn’t understand that it typically takes one to two years for dreams to come to pass. He tells us in ADVANCE and unless you feel the NOW urgency- stay your hand dear one or hurt and pain is on your horizon…a delay and doubt will be your portion when you don’t understand the timing of God.
It was a beautiful Sunday. I wore red lipstick and never do, and after the events that passed I felt kinda foolish having it on. Red envelope, 3 or four pages of dreams hand written in bright colored ink scrawled the pages inside, flap tucked smartly inside and on the cover it said “Rachel waited 7 years, so have I.” I sat in my chair as he cleaned up equipment and put things away, my heart beating literally out of my chest as I finally convinced myself to get up and give him what I thought was the note I needed to deliver. Here! Read this! I said. He asked me “What is it?”, just read it I whispered as I walked off quickly. He would know what I thought he was to me, and that should set some things in motion.
They were in motion all right. In my stomach, cause the next day, I nearly got sick when I got an unexpected phone call. My letter didn’t stay where I had delivered it. It had been shared and I was being called out. Never speak to him again. Leave him alone or there would be consequences and unless there’s a ministry need for you to speak to him, just don’t. He’s not interested in a wife right now, just in seeking the Lord.
My heart shattered in a million pieces. I was only doing what I thought I was supposed to do! WHY was this happening??!! It had been prophesied over me that he was the man the Lord had for me from before the foundations of the earth…two people who don’t know each other spoke those same exact words to me at one time only moments apart. I frantically messaged my best friend, unable to control the torrent that ran down my face. It was over, done. What had I done. What HAD I DONE?!
You know, God was not surprised. He knew. He knows the end from the beginning. None of us are immune to mistakes, there is only one perfect One. I’m not it. I had just Joseph’ed my way into prison with no way to explain or apologize, or get out. I had just created impossible circumstances.
You know what’s so amazing about impossible?
Matthew 19:26 Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”
With God ALL THINGS are POSSIBLE.
My heart felt a little lighter as my best friend helped me pick up the pieces of my heart. She reminded me of the rape dream and how we always suspected it would be an emotional assault. This event- though painful gave me this hope… because I knew how the dream ended. No one can take away what God has promised me.
A few months later I was in McDonald’s with my kids. A Wednesday night I believe and we were just about done and there was this quiet little Asian family sitting in the corner. They didn’t seem like they were from around here in fact I was quite certain they were from out of town. The young girl maybe 17 years old, walks over to me and she tucks her hair behind her ear and she quietly says,
“Excuse me, I don’t normally do this but I felt that God wanted me to tell you that His promises are true and that He loves you very much.”
My heart leapt! I had been given precious words from a stranger, this young girl brought me so much joy and hope because she delivered the words of my Father. Her obedience has been a cherished gift that to this day makes my breath catch and my eyes leak. The Lord was reaffirming to me that all was NOT lost…and like Mary, I cherished these things in my heart.
Back to my encounter from Part 1. So the very next day I’m feelin pretty good. I’m driving home and I almost went another way and didn’t. I was rocking out to some Mandisa (yeah I’m that girl singing in my car…move along people- nothing to see here!) and the song changed. It changed to a song I had always had on my iPod but I had never heard before. How had I never heard this song?
Needtobreathe has a song called “over now” and it begun to play. I almost hit the back button to hear Mandisa again and I didn’t. “Lift your eyes girl, I know your broken.” Oh my, God is speaking to me!
Lift your eyes girl
I know you’re broken
Left from the same war
That you never knew
Your way is just to fall just like before you
But the way isn’t to long
You’re almost there
There’s a feeling that you won’t make
All you have in store
This time is just a season
You deserve much more
Lift up your head
Look out the window
‘Cause it’s almost over now
Take back the time that your fear has stolen
‘Cause it’s almost over now
Don’t let it get you caught in that tunnel
The end is always a few steps away
There’s a feeling of resistance
You can’t seem to fight
This time is just a season
You can make it right
Your eyes are open
Your heart clean
But you’re lookin’
To be free
Lift up your head
Look out the window
‘Cause it’s almost over now
Take back the time that your fear has stolen
‘Cause it’s almost over now
During this song I saw in the Spirit some flashbacks of two dreams I had. This song depicted the actions I was taking in these dreams and when the chorus played a second time,
“Lift up your head, look out your window…” I felt the nudge of the Holy Spirit telling me to look out my window. The man I had just asked for the night before was there next to me in his vehicle. I sobbed. Not just a little bit, but the ugly cry that makes your eyes swell and your upper lip turn bright red- yep that was me. He never saw me but I cried almost all the way home. His goodness was overwhelming and I just couldn’t keep it together. I just had no idea I would wait this long…
For your reading pleasure here is Part 6
I had a dream. Not unusual for me. I had over 200 dreams in the year 2017. No less than 60 of those were about him, or a reference to him or about him, how to pray for him and encouraging me to hold on and don’t let go. That’s just my flesh you say? No, it’s not. I’ve given it up a few times. Surrendered it completely and turned my back on it all trusting that the Lord would give it back to me should it truly be mine. I’ve lost friends over this promise. I was accused of tickling my own ears because it was a deep seeded desire. No one, I REPEAT; NO ONE hangs on for almost 3 years for funzies…TRUST ME. This has not been fun. It has stretched me, tested me, caused me to analyze my faith, my hearing, my night seasons…all of it. Someone I loved called me a false prophet and my heart broke in a million pieces. Setting the hope of a Godly mate aside, it really rocked my faith. My promise of this man was so incredibly tied into my ministry future and my future in general that if it was a lie and I had heard wrong…what else had I heard wrong?
If I was hearing wrong all along, did I really have a relationship with my savior like I thought? Where was my heart?? And WHY didn’t HE STOP ME A LONG TIME AGO!!! WHY would HE let me get this far if it was all a LIE!! WHY?? If I was wrong about all of this, I had no future to hope in! My entire life has been set on His foundation, my HOPE is in HIM and without hope in Him, what in the world am I living for. What is my reason? My purpose? Why even go on? Continue…if it’s all a lie…why am I here?
I was so distraught. It took me a month to go back to my dreams with him in them and re-analyze them. A month to pull myself out of the pit of despair and search again for the truth, whether my thoughts about this man were right or wrong. A month with no or very little hope to be found.
Proverbs 29:18 The Passion Translation
When there is no clear prophetic vision people quickly wander astray, but when you follow the revelation of the Word, Heavens bliss fills your soul.
I was searching again. I couldn’t believe I was that wrong. I looked at all my dreams I had had up to that point, scratching and clawing my way back out, so I had a hope to cling to. Even if I was wrong about this gorgeous man with the most beautiful eyes and amazing sold-out heart, I still had to find my Jesus. Because nothing could ever replace Him. I had to believe that my future I had seen and been shown was still a real thing…and that maybe all of the dreams I had with this gift of a man, was actually the gift of my Savior. I started planting Jesus in all of them, re-writing everything I had hand written, crumpling up dreams and throwing them away, discarding and deleting trying to remove this man that I thought I had implanted into my dreams….my flesh in action. It seemed to be working though I was struggling still to interpret my dreams- the gift of interpretation wasn’t activated in me yet, so I wasn’t able to fully develop what I was seeing. Putting Jesus into these dreams was renewing my sense of hope until I got to a dream that threw my entire theory on it’s head.
The Secret Place
There was a woman who had a boyfriend. She had stayed pure but broke up with him. Somehow she became betrothed to some tribal hunk who was some sort of prince. He loved her and on the night of their wedding she had to pass through 2 checkpoints to repeat the secret color she had discussed with his mother. “My color is red (scarlet red…scarlet letter) and the men at each checkpoint replied “Yes your color is red”. She made her way to a cove of trees and laid on the lush green grass and waited for her beloved. The ex-boyfriend, was wearing a blue and white Letterman football jacket and seemed like he was an important football star found and he found her there in the secret place and raped her very quickly and took off while the prince was out chasing down the ceremonial buck (traditions of men, he has a desire for the pastorship?…traditions of men has a “marriage” that is set upon/consummated in death?) that had their wedding night bedding attached to it (catch and release). The pelt was a dark grey color and on one end had what appeared to be tails hanging off and it was so super soft. She was sobbing as she struggled to lift her body up off the ground. Her pants were half way down to her knees and she weakly crawled out of the secret place as her beloved the prince was approaching. He saw her crying, disheveled with her pants down and he was horrified. He turned and went back to camp where he was consoled over the fact that she was no longer a virgin and had been defiled. She too was consoled by his mother but she wandered back to the secret place and laid down to cry. She curled up next to a bush as if for comfort. The prince came to the secret place and found her (he who finds a wife finds a good thing) and made love to her. When they went back to the cabin they started discussing the secret color. His mother looked at me and said it was never “red” (scarlet) but “Ruby Red” and the others confirmed the color.
Jesus would never be dismayed at something that was done to me involuntarily. He would never see me as unclean. I prayed that this dream would never come to fruition…and yet it did. I had this 12/24/2015 and fulfillment was on 3/7/2017. This dream was a gift and also painful….and yet the cause? My own hand…
You probably won’t ever read this…and for my purposes right now, that’s okay.
I hope I am brave enough to apologize to you on Sunday in person, and I hope I don’t scare you away. I’m a well mannered human being, I promise!
“Where do I begin? Lets start with the revealing..
So the Lord revealed my promised husband to me in 2015 while I was in long distance emotional bondage to someone else. A very dangerous soul tie!
One night I had a dream where I saw the back of his head, his blonde hair and his smart military like work jacket and knew his name was John but he also looked like Henry Cavill. Lol I asked the Lord if this was my husband? He said yes and I screamed a never-ending no!
I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to receive what the Lord had shown me.
Eventually the Lord intervened in a BIG way with that soul tie and the whole thing ended in 2015! The Lord saved me! From then on the Lord started to do a deep healing in me. It’s been brutal!
Prior to this I’m sure the Lord has revealed him to me before but like I said I wasn’t exactly in the right mindset to receive. Fast forward to mid 2017 and that’s when I met my promised husband. Believe it or not I met him on a day I wanted to end it all.
Since physically meeting him and knowing who he is I have messed up a number of times.
I have tried to create my own will for my life based on my fleshy desires. I have learned that when the Lord asks you not to intervene you really shouldn’t. You are only causing delays. The time of waiting is also a time of preparation for both of you. I took it upon myself even though I was warned not to, to share my feelings. This was a mistake and not the Lords leading, I acted solely upon my flesh.
The wait is so hard especially when you know so much about them or have to interact with them. It’s a serious time of testing and stretching of your faith. This is a time I believe we are to seek God more and go deeper.
Just because you mess up it doesn’t mean your promise is over! As my friend always says “You’re not more powerful than God”. Ephesians 3:20
There are gonna be days when your hormones take over and you’ll wanna hug or wanna talk or see him etc.
This journey is not easy! Hearken to the Holy Spirit and let him guide you.
He only wants the best for us. Jeremiah 29:11″
Did you hear that? You are not more powerful than God. This was something I would have to tell myself repeatedly in the coming day after this email that I never sent. Impatience and misunderstanding was getting the best of me.
If you haven’t yet, you can read part 1 here
Let’s back up for a moment. I’ve been a dreamer my whole life. Grew up in church, went to Christian school, had encounters with demons at a young age and generally had strange experiences. So dreams that somehow came true or that stuck with me to this day are not new to me. As a child the enemy infiltrated my dreams and I often saw my own death in many different ways, and it was always because I had been forgotten about. Always forgotten about. That’s what the enemy would have me think through my life. That I didn’t matter, that I had been somehow forgotten about. Dear sister, He has NOT forgotten about you. If you have messed up and are waiting ever more patiently than before, I promise you, He’s working ALL things for your good.
It was July 2015 and I was frantically searching for some paperwork that I thought I desperately needed. Turned out I didn’t need it, but inside the folder was a journal I had been using while I was pregnant with my son. A dream had been written on the back side and I paused and read through it. The epiphany of it all overwhelmed me.
I had a weird dream last night. I dreamed that I was getting married again. I was in the process of getting dressed for the event which was being held in a brand new Roman Coliseum that had very plush side rooms but were decorated very 17th century Gothic style. There was a wedding dress (the wedding dress I was originally married in) hanging in the room. There were three woman with me dressed in bright white dresses of Roman design. One of the women that was there was a teachers assistant for a class I was taking in my dream. She was interviewing/grading me. The two other ladies helped me get dressed and so I’ve got nothing on but the see-through mesh underskirt. So I’m walked out unexpectedly being led by one woman, and the other had her hands on the small of my back to keep me moving forward as the Teachers Assistant tried to talk with me as we walked. I was led all the way to the other side of this Colosseum with thousands of people watching, many cheering me on. I’m naked on top, doing my best to cover my breasts with my hands (unsuccessfully) as we walk across the center of the arena, through the sand to the other side. They lead me along and about half way across I get scared and pull my arm back. The leading woman turned and looked at me as if to say I had to keep moving forward. She reached out and gently put her hand on my wrist and continued to lead me across, as I’m still trying to cover myself with the other hand, struggling between complete exposure and trying to cover up, to a new room on the other side. In the room on this side is a wedding dress even better and vastly more beautiful (It seemed WAY larger…not in size for fit, but just more dress, more train and just more elegance altogether) than my original. After the wedding I was presented with a certificate saying I passed the class. In the next scene I am standing next to my new husband in a small apartment with really nice furniture surveying our gifts which are wrapped in a silver paper and blue ribbons. I open this amazing Mac Book and show it off and said “isn’t this awesome! You have always wanted one of these!”
The Lord was going to redeem me. It spoke of my divorce, my journey and life and trial and testing and preparation and at the end the Lord would bring me together with a man who had His heart. He would be a gift to me. It’s rather clear that I have been married, and now divorced. This is another story altogether but the Lord allowed it and told me that He has made me brand new and not to let anyone tell me or make me feel otherwise. There’s no condemnation in Christ. The other thing I made note of was the computer at the end. I’m in the technology field and I know that Mac’s are for graphic designers. I didn’t know any at the time of me finding the dream…at least not yet. It had been FIVE whole years since I had this dream and I wasn’t the woman I am now when I had it. I wrote it down, chalked it off to a crazy pregnancy dream and let it go. I had no idea that I’d even saved it. Shortly after I found it, I had another dream about a young man (I was younger in the dream too) who was tall, had curly dark hair and I had been caught by him snooping around his place in my dream. Let me be candid here since we are on the topic of ROYAL mess-ups…I was having a moment where I was stewing in doubt and I was SURE that this was all me, I was crazy! I SUCK at picking men so I was certain that this was me, my flesh. I set out to prove that this man was just like all the rest. So I got on Facebook. No Facebook. I got on Google +, limited information…I got on Instagram- BINGO! Jackpot! So I’m scrolling, and scrolling, and scrolling, and I’m finding nothing. In fact all I see is rather opposite of what I was feeling. I moved my phone to my left hand and accidentally hit a heart on a photo. I froze and said NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Undo! Undo! Undo!!!! So loud, my coworkers popped up to see what the problem was. Needless to say his profile went private after that. Oops…my bad. My heart pounded…I had been found out. This whole wait thing was more difficult than I ever imagined, but what I had discovered was valuable. I had nothing to go on. I could never again incorrectly judge his character because what I saw was humility. Compliments given, and received, love exchanged. I saw no pride, I saw love and kindness…and a high value for his mother. Ladies, these men do exist. They are in hiding just like we are.
After I had discovered all the Lord had planned for me in this area, I may have gone boy crazy. I’m sure you share my sentiment when I say I wanted to know everything there was to know and I was going crazy that it wasn’t all happening right now. I mean right NOW. I was a frustrated hot mess…and so was my life. I thought I was ready, I wanted this now! But for the wrong reasons. I wanted to be loved and I wanted to love. I wanted someone to pick me up and dust me off and cherish me and the list goes on. I wanted to feel valued but the time was not yet because first I needed desperately to understand and fall in love with Jesus. He needed me to fall headlong into Him as my savior far more than I wanted to fall headlong into the heart of a man. He needed me to change my understanding of my own personal value system and correct my identity.
Dear sister, don’t you believe that you are a Princess? Your worth is NOT in a man, but in Jesus? That your worth far exceeds rubies and that you are a DIAMOND love! You are a diamond hidden in plain sight! It is not that you are not gorgeous! It’s not that you are not the one! It IS that the man you are waiting on hasn’t yet been ANOINTED to SEE you! The Lord told me a week ago that ATTRACTION is ANOINTING! Do you know why? Because you aren’t ready yet. Because the Lord’s timing hasn’t come to it’s fruition, because you and me, we are these beautiful cakes made with the most amazing ingredients, and baked into us is the most amazing surprises…but a cake taken out of the oven before it’s time, no matter how good the ingredients, is still not good for consumption. Stop believing it’s you. Stop believing it’s never going to come. Stop saying you’re ugly or not smart enough or, or, or, or…Just Stop.
It’s not actually about you. This isn’t my story. It’s not yours either. It’s just one of an innumerable amount of stories of God. It’s called a Testimony. Settle down and let God continue to write it. The cookies aren’t in the cookie jar yet.
I scoured the interwebs searching and searching for some hopeful story of the girl that God told her who her husband was and she totally messed it up. I mean like royally. But all I could find were the stern warnings of “don’t tell him!” and “keep it to yourself and just pray” and “make sure this isn’t your flesh talking.”
I was looking because…well…I am that girl.
I felt that this was important to get out there. I’m tired of hiding, waiting in hopeful anticipation and wondering if what I did could be redeemed or not ,so I’m writing this just as much for you as for me. This post is for all the girls who put their hand in the cookie jar and came up empty…cause the cookies weren’t done yet…and continue to open and close the lid.
In the beginning, God created…oh sorry…wrong story. Ok, in the beginning (about 2.5 years ago), the Lord confirmed my husband for me- through means that I can’t make up. He had sent me to a church through some crazy circumstances. On my first day there, I’m all hopeful that I would make new friends and meet new people! I was excited about this new chapter in my life!! I sit down and I see this man on stage and I’m sitting by myself in the front row and I blurted out “This man needs my help!” Slightly mortified, I look around because I have NO IDEA where that came from. It wasn’t even a thought in my head, but it came out of my mouth. I felt the Lord impress on my heart to let him know that I had been sent there to help him. I had no idea in what way but I didn’t care! I was so grateful for what the Lord was doing in my life that I would scrub toilets if it were asked of me. Turned out he was the “Creative Director” of the church and so I’m thinking…Ok, I paint, I draw, play a few instruments, can read music, sing, willing to learn, I sew and can make things…generally an artsy fartsy girl. The only caveat I had was that I am a single mom of 2 kids and so I would do my best to be available. The following Sunday, I walked up and told him that I’d been sent to help and I expected some excitement…and direction. I got nothing. I was slightly puzzled.
The following Monday morning I argued with God. I was a little ticked (though, I have no right to be…He is God after all). I had just gone to a new church and it felt like He was sabotaging my ability to make new friends by having me start off attendance like that. I said, “God, WHY would You have me say something SO GENESIS to a PERFECT STRANGER!! This is a brand new church! Don’t make me a pariah in the first week please!” He didn’t respond to my rants except I heard “3 years”. I wrote it off. Three years for what?! I was mad and embarrassed.
I went through the week and on Thursday, I decided to reach out to this man via email and ask him how I could be of help. I wish I kept it so I could share it with you, but it was filled with my qualifications and how grateful I would be to help him in any way. I STILL had no clue at this point. But later that evening…
Frustrated, I didn’t understand why someone wouldn’t jump on the opportunity to have help. Earlier in the day when I had looked up his email, I had also found that there were some recordings of him preaching. Hmm…he preaches too? Cool. Maybe there was something in there that could clue me in to how I could help since he hadn’t gotten back to me. It was a Thursday night and I had no kids and so I decided to get in the bath and relax. It was a break for me and I didn’t get too many of them and life had just gone from 100mph to about 10 and I was due some R&R. I began listening and I don’t recall what it was all about, but this man that I didn’t find attractive had a heart for God and he was on FIRE. I laid there in awe and said aloud,
“God! Men like this EXIST?? When you send me a man, send me one with a heart like THIS!”
And God said (loud and clear): “NO”
Um…what? Come again? (in this span of seconds a BILLION things ran through my head as to why he would say no and not yes. He said,
“NOT “A” MAN, THIS MAN”
My face sunk, I was thoroughly shocked. And then as if that was the most absurd thing I’d ever heard I said,
“Okay God, I’ll call your bluff. This man. Grant me this man.” And in the seconds following the words that I have since eaten, it sounded like someone cranked up the volume on the speaker that was still playing the preaching and this man’s voice rang out so loud in my ears the words of Matthew 7:7 and James 4:2:
“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. The Lord says you have not because you ask not.”
I burst into tears. I was struggling to believe what I had just heard. I have dreams like crazy. But this was the second time I had heard God aloud in a two week time frame. My encounter was just beginning…