It’s been a long time since I’ve written. Anything. At. All.
One could say very simply, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times” and it wouldn’t be wrong.
I’ve done a lot of painful growing, as a person, as a parent, as a spouse and as a believer too. I’ve had to face much of my own triggers (that I didn’t know were there) and heal from those, I’ve had to change my way of thinking about myself, and the life that’s being cut out for myself as I grow. They (whoever “they” are) say that “Necessity is the mother of invention” and that too is also not wrong. I’ve done a lot of things in the last year and a half that I would never have imagined me doing before like be my own mechanic, a builder (one of the kiddos is convinced I’m going to build him his own outdoor cabin/man cave and keeps asking when I’m going to start), a remodeler and repairer of campers, an entrepreneur just to name a few. It’s amazing how the faith of little children in myself and my skills/abilities seriously outweighs my own, but I’m learning to trust what they see as I go along. My husband has had full faith in me this whole time.
Currently, up to bat is my van. It’s frustratingly broken down with a transmission needing to be replaced or rebuilt.
There’s this scene in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (walk with me here for a second) where Harry is about to pass out from a Dementor sucking his very soul from his body and from across the pond he sees the form of his dad coming to rescue him by performing the Patronus spell. He’s excited. He knows his father is going to come through and so he’s gone back in time with Hermione and he ends up just feet away watching, waiting, convinced and telling Hermione any moment now his dad is going to come back and save him and his God Father, Sirius Black. Hermione mentions that she doesn’t believe he’s coming and that they are dying and suddenly Harry comes to the realization that he is the one who will save them. He walks over to the bank and casts the Patronus, scaring off the Dementors and ultimately saving his own life.
I see this analogy often in my life. Especially since I asked for some pretty big things a few years back. You see, I want to invent things. I love working with tools, I love coming up with solutions, thinking outside the box. I have an engineers brain and heart and lately I’ve come to the conclusion (very slowly come here, and definitely not through pride either) that I’m far more intelligent than even I understand.
Let’s get back to the van situation. It’s been down since August. It’s driving me nuts. We do pretty well only having one car but it doesn’t make sense to me that a 2010 HONDA with 150,000 miles would have a busted transmission. But Lucas and I prayed and we have been excited to see just what Father would do to solve this problem. Time has been on our side for sure but it’s over $6K to get a new one, $3600 to rebuild it, $1300 to find one online or $800 if I could find one local (which has been a challenge) and have a shop install it or…around $350 if I do it (tools, seals, guide books and the $100 transmission). We’ve been sitting and waiting and watching for the opportunity that Father would have for us. We met a gentleman who had all the tools and wisdom to swap it out and he confirmed a word we had gotten about watching the junk yards for one. It didn’t end up panning out but he gave me a confidence that I could in fact replace a transmission. I’ve been chewing on that and it’s taken me a while of standing behind that tree, waiting for my Father to come and do it for me, to save me from the soul wrenching plight of having 7 kids and only one car and come and fix the problem and yet I’ve come to the conclusion, that I need to fix my problem…and He will be right there with me.
I’ve wrestled with a lot of tears and fears and frustrations over this, but I realized that I had this same issue when I was looking at doing the camper roof rebuild. At that point it was only $400 I’d be out if I couldn’t do it, which grew to about $1200 after a while but turned into priceless memories when I’d accomplished what I set out to do. It wasn’t perfect. Yep, there’s things that need adjusting still, but it works, looks pretty darn good and we’ve had some good times in it. I wrestled hard with fear over that camper. I asked my husband when we were standing in the dark at a strangers house looking at it, “Do you trust in my ability to fix this?” and he responded with, “Babe, you can do anything.”
Anything. This is the same confidence our Father has in us too when we walk with Him. It’s because He sees Jesus in us, the Holy Spirit in us and because He knows we have the mind of Christ in us. Father is confident in us and we should be confident in Him too.
So the current thing I’m overcoming is the fear of damaging my van worth over $10K which I still owe about $1500 on. I’m combating that with knowledge and understanding. I’m soaking up all I can in information because fear is based in a lack of understanding in ANY area. My plan is to find one, remove it while at the junk yard myself so when I come to do mine, I’ve already done it once and any mistakes I’ve made the first time I can put in place for the second time. At the same time, it will enable me to check out any suspension that might need to be replaced, repacked with grease, etc and do some other things that also need attention.
Not gonna lie, it’s intimidating up until the moment you start doing it, but I know I can. There’s a “no turning back now” moment you come across in anything this daunting where you know there’s no going backwards, only forwards. Father always supplies ALL our needs, but sometimes He wants to show us what we’re made of.
And besides, necessity is after all the mother of invention right? So…Giddyup.