Letting things go…

I was playing a game. It was a fun game, too. I made friends, I was advancing, became a co-leader but I realized that the attention I was receiving from people, male and female alike, was stirring in me a need that has laid dormant for nearly 4 years. I’ve been largely content waiting on the Lord to fulfill promises He’s made to me but suddenly these needs for companionship were beginning to arise. To have someone to talk to, converse with and where my friends have filled that need for a long time, it’s not the same type of intimacy of conversation you would have with a significant other…or even a potential significant other. I found myself enjoying conversation (G rated conversations) with men and women and it no longer became about playing the game, but about the validation I was getting from other human beings.

1 Corinthian 10:23

You say, “I am allowed to do anything” —but not everything is good for you. You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is beneficial.

I have been alone, but not lonely…up until recently. As the need for companionship grows (and not just romantic companionship, I’m expecting my dad to move in very very soon and I’m really looking forward to this in a big way) and the feelings of being overwhelmed in every area of my life also grows, I recognize that being a single mom is not something I can sustain long term without letting it affect my health and my heart. When I don’t sleep well and need a rest, everything falls on me. When I’m sick and need to get better, everything still falls on me. When depression tries to take over, everything still falls on me. And some days…dishes don’t get done. Clean laundry sits in baskets for a week, and I still don’t know what’s for dinner. I know the Lord  has more for me than this.

So, the game. I was doing rather well. I was improving my scores, had joined a guild that was a new branch of a high ranking guild, had become co-leader, was making friends until I realized that it had simply become a band aid for what I was really feeling and needing. I was earning people’s praise by getting higher scores, by being important in something that didn’t truly matter. What fruit was this producing? By God’s grace, I could play this game…but what was the profits of doing so? Was it improving my life? Or did I merely think it was.

Two nights ago I had a dream. I knew the Lord was warning me that I had let this game lull me into inattentiveness and spiritual sleep. This life isn’t a game, there are so many people out there that were created from a piece of His spirit that He wants to know Him. This life is a mission. This is the battle grounds where we go out and help people remember who they are. This isn’t about scaring people with the thought of Hell, the more I research it and read about it, the more I begin to wonder if Hell was an implant by Emperor Augustine to control the narrative…and control the people. Jesus came to put an end to sin and death. If this is true (which it is) there is no separation from Him. Just the one we believe is present in our mind. And so we must go out and remind people who they are, who they were meant to be. Our mission isn’t to save people from a fiery eternal death (because what loving God would really do that? Would you do it to your kids??), our mission is to WAKE UP THE WHOLE EARTH so that the people can remember who they were meant to be. To heal DNA, to heal people and tribes and Nations and governments, and to realize that now, in this moment we were meant to rule and reign by His side. Not after we die…Jesus put an end to sin AND death. Jesus is the doorway, not death. Jesus is the hero, death is not.

Psalm 24:7-9

So wake up, you living gateways!
Lift up your heads, you ageless doors of destiny!
Welcome the King of Glory,
for he is about to come through you.
You ask, “Who is this Glory-King?”
The Lord, armed and ready for battle,
the Mighty One, invincible in every way!
So wake up, you living gateways, and rejoice!
Fling wide, you ageless doors of destiny!
Here he comes; the King of Glory is ready to come in.

We are the living gateways.

This morning’s dream was short and to the point.

I saw my phone with the splash screen of this game on my screen as it sat on the toilet seat lid in my bathroom. I heard the Lord say, “Today is your last day.” The toilet representing the fact that it is in fact a “waste” of my time…and my calling.

I knew that it needed to end…yesterday I knew. I also knew the day before and so I asked Him for the help, the grace to be done and so this morning I sent notes out. I apologized for letting people down that I had grown to like. I thanked another for his wisdom in helping me excel- it had it’s intended effect. And so upon the sending of those, I deleted the apps. Time to get back to the things that really matter because let’s face it, prayer is literally a matter of life or death in some cases. A matter of cancer and no cancer. I was just beginning to embark on this crazy journey of traversing time and space through His Spirit and I let my learning be interrupted by something that has no true benefit in my life.

The cost of following the ways of the world is too high. I won’t sacrifice my promises, my future, and my relationship with a Holy God.