Ponderings

I’m in so much pain…

Today I was out with my dad, and I fell.

HARD

We were walking out of a restaurant and I was commenting how the wheels on my scooter get caught on everything. Seriously everything. And in that moment as I described how one wheel catches in the cracks and causes the handlebars to jam and I nearly fall; as if to demonstrate the sort of fall I was describing the wheel got stuck on the left, my left foot was toward the back of the scooter and out of place for a save the scooter then began to tilt to the right where I have no bodily support I then flew to the right over the knee pad, slammed my splinted heel on the concrete and to save myself from more injury to my expensive surgery I lifted my foot up and slammed to the ground on my back and my head followed suit. I just sort of laid there as people flocked out of the restaurant towards me, my dad (who is hard of hearing) walked a few more paces before realizing I was no longer speaking.

Knot on my head, strangers hugging me and a frightened restaurant owner running out to ensure I was truly okay. Which I was…and was not. Going from fully capable to immobile is not something I’m handling very well. I’m doing too much, I’m seeing things in myself that I don’t like in this space, things I need to fully surrender to Him and ask Him to change these in me. I have been independent, and I’m in this place so I can learn to be dependent again. To share responsibilities and not try to do it all on my own.

I’m struggling and admit that I need prayer in this area. Since my dad has been here, I may have gotten a little excitable (to say it nicely) in the car, possibly expecting too much and feeling frustrated that I can’t just drive places on my own. And for some reason I suddenly can’t tell my left from my right so giving directions has been…complicated. So now I have put Siri in charge of that.

And I’m trying really hard to ask for more help.

To make matters worse I put ice on my foot when I got home and fell asleep for longer than 20 minutes. I have ice burns now on my toes and the top of my foot despite 3-5 layers of gauze and Ace Bandages. It feels like someone is stabbing my foot with a dull darning needle. It hurts worse than my surgery site and pain killers is not helping.

Top that off, my dreams recently and things like this:

Is making containing my heart difficult. It’s that certain beginning I’ve been waiting on. This is my training ground…and I’m trying to stay sane through the pain.

Once this healing is over I’m going for a run…

Amanda