This. Is. Hard. Harder than I ever could have expected. The Lord is revealing things to me that I knew I had trouble with, but now is the time to take hold of it and truly heal.
Cressa and I were talking on my way to surgery on Friday. She said that back in Bible times if a sheep ran off, the shepherd would break its legs so that it had no choice but to remain with the Shepherd to build a close relationship with him. How true is this. It’s just like the wilderness the Israelites walked through. They lived in a place of miraculous provision for 40 years. They had manna from Heaven (Jed said that It tasted like Milk and Honey, a “taste” of their promised land), their tents and clothes never wore out, they had water and everything they needed and they were overshadowed by the Shepherd in a pillar of fire and herded like sheep all around the desert.
On my way to her house I was praying and telling the Lord how grateful I was for my friends. Sometimes life keeps us so busy we do pause and wonder who our real friends are. I was on my way to their house that morning and I was talking with God asking for forgiveness for being so stubborn and not opening up more and being receptive to accepting help when I need it. I then was praying and thanking Him for their friendship and I pulled behind a truck with a trailer and there was a sticker on the trailer door that said “When you need em, they’re there” and on the left door it said “Sheep Herding”.
Tears. At dinner I was retelling what the Lord has been speaking to me. Sharing with them my gratefulness of their constant love and hospitality. As I sat there before them the Holy Spirit came over me and the Lord said to me that this surgery was a door. An open door that I chose to walk through, knowing what awaited me on the other side.
I have trouble asking for help. A LOT of trouble. This is rooted in pride- but not for the reasons you think. When I was younger, I went to college. It just wasn’t for me and I hated every moment of it. My grandma paid for it. When I went to trade school and I was ready to pay it off, she offered and I said no. No, because I had wasted her money and paying for my own mistake was the right thing to do. Similar situations have arisen in the years since where the predicament wasn’t necessarily my fault but I was still the one to reach out for help. I pushed back pretty hard when it came up but it made me throw up a wall. To be strong and smart enough to never be in a position where I have to be a burden. And it was then that I somehow labeled myself a burden. It has made this period difficult.
In Song of Solomon at the end it says that the Shulamite Woman was leaning on her beloved on her way out of the desert. Fully relying on Him. How often do we not ask for things that we need? The big things, the small things? How long do we sit and suffer or do without when as His children we have only but to ask? He has so much for us! He wants us to be so reliant on Him that we ask Him for the Big and Small alike.
This is a brand new season. We have to change with it. We have to be willing to be vulnerable in Him. He’s not a genie, but He wants us to reach out and ask Him for the little things and the big things. He says to ask Him for anything in Jesus name.
What can we ask Him for that makes us vulnerable in Him. How can we bring others into our circle and allow them to be a part of our lives? We need to live authentic lives and that means taking down our walls.