Dawning hours break and a tired voice calls out in the hallway, “Mommy? I had a dream…” and the tired body of my little boy comes crawling up into my bed as I grab my phone and begin asking him questions and jotting it down.
There was a train on the nightstand that was a toy but he thought it was a real train. It was moving with a red light on it. The red light made him afraid. The train came out of the books on the table. There were princess carriages going down the books. Jeremiah says the train scared him and he pushed it off the dresser and it broke. It wasn’t his train. Says he was on the ground sitting and holding his knees. There was a big crack on the ground to his right side. I was sitting on the left side of him and I was petting him and he thought I was someone else like a stranger.
I pondered this dream in my mommy heart through the morning and recognized some symbols from my own dreams. The train represents the new daddy my children asked the Lord for on July 4th of 2016.
Now, I’m following along with my own dreams, I know where I am at in the state of things and I’m praying into this daily so I’m not worried- despite what things look like in the natural…and let me tell you…it’s a little grim. But I’ve been expecting this point in time…for a year and almost 3 months and I’m excited. Now don’t get me wrong, the Lord warned me that this was going to hurt, but it didn’t define me…and hurt it did. Briefly. Actually as it was happening I had this brief deer-in-headlights moment where I felt like an atom bomb was dropped on my heart but as things progressed and I was messaging a friend through it all, I realized that I had been warned, multiple times…and the time had arrived. I had done what the Lord asked me to do, I had been obedient…but the sting of rejection…still stings whether you’re expecting it or not. But bless the Lord…he told me just the other day, “Lovely boy thy Shepherd found” and I knew who He was talking about.
So I’m tra-la-la’ing along in my head and heart and somehow stupidly have forgotten that my children don’t hear God like I do, yet. Jeremiah is getting there. He will do great things, I’m certain. But I began to poke through the symbols of his dream, allowing God to insert His thoughts and I realized that I had dropped the ball.
He is waiting too. So is my daughter. Granted they have a dad and another mom that they love close by, but their mommy is missing hers. They know their new daddy has been promised. So in the car on the way to an appointment this morning I asked Jeremiah if he was afraid if his new daddy wasn’t going to like him. He said no, but he was afraid that he was never going to come and his head bowed down and his face sunk. “When is he going to come?”
I don’t know baby boy…soon. It’s all I’ve got…and I’ve been saying it for 8 months (oh…insert epiphany here…).
After talking with him and sitting down again with it, I realized that Jeremiah’s dream was reiterating what he told me in the car. He didn’t believe that train was coming, the red light was his fear that it had been stopped and wasn’t coming. The princess carriages were his perception of how he saw me and how he was anticipating things, like a prince and princess coming together. But the prince wasn’t there and it made him upset so he hit the train and it broke feeling like it was never going to come…this train wasn’t his…he must have been mistaken. He held his knees, upset and in mourning over what he thought would come quickly, a giant crack on the ground on his right, where his new daddy should be and me as a stranger because he feels like he has been lied to. The crack represents barren ground…But the Lord says:
“Shout for joy, O barren one, you who have borne no child; Break forth into joyful shouting and cry aloud, you who have not travailed; For the sons of the desolate one will be more numerous Than the sons of the married woman,” says the LORD.
And repeated by the Apostle Paul in Galatians 4:27
I thought I bore this burden alone (with the help of a few friends). I thought I was protecting them from the wait, but really all I gave them was hope deferred. I need to gather them in, allow them to step into God’s labor and delivery room with me and be a part of birthing this promise. They too need to see God moving in their lives, this is as much a part of their lives as it is mine.
Lord, I can’t help but sing
Faithful you are
All your promises are yes and amen