Evidence

Some days I wonder, “Lord, what fruit do I have?” This morning was one of those such mornings. I sat there getting ready for work, thinking about a dream I had about 4-5 months ago, wondering what this fruit looked like that the Lord said I had.

This morning, He was kind enough to show me.

I’m a pay it forward sort of person. It’s something I like to do rather than give money to an institution. I like to be the church and so there’s a couple Moxie Java places that I do this at…every Tuesday and on the days that I desperately need coffee…like today. I was asking the Lord to show me what He saw vs what I saw…because His vision of us is always vastly different than our vision of us.

So I pull into the drive through behind this giant red truck and I’m craning my neck out the window, ordering my coffee and I lean back in and close my eyes and sing. The truck pulls away and I pull forward and the girl (who knows me) looks at me and says “Oh YAY! I’m so glad it’s you!!! The truck in front of you just paid for your coffee! And look there’s no one behind you for you to pay for!”

Folks…this stuff never happens to me. I’m not the lucky person who gets free stuff. I never win anything and that’s okay. I sat and marveled for a moment and she looked at my car and said…this is not the car you are usually in. Did you get a new car!! And so I explained my car. My ex husband has the same car…they match. I didn’t choose that car it was chosen for me and while I had an amazing payment and a super low interest rate…his name was still on all of it. I went into my history a little…and she went into hers. Common ground we found there and yet she said to me…

“I just have to say, that you are amazing. You clearly have not let life squash who you are and make you bitter. You overcame. That’s awesome.”

I refrained from crying and said thank you, gave her a high five and went on my way.

In that moment, I marveled at the mercy of the Lord. Guys…I wish I could impress upon your heart just how much He TRULY loves you. Ladies, you are the most beautiful thing He has set His eyes on, Gentlemen, you make His eyes sparkle with how proud of you He is, seeing you grow to be more like Him. Even if you doubt yourself. Even if you have come to the end of you and there’s nothing you can do, you’ve run out of resources, you’ve run out of ideas and actions and everything feels like it’s a mess and falling apart is the moment when God says YES! Finally! Let me handle this for you, I see that you cannot do it on your own and I want to bless your life on MY STRENGTH and steer you in the direction of MY WILL. Will you surrender your striving to make things better? To smooth things over? Will you let go of your perfectionism? Your ideals? Come to ME YOU WHO ARE WEARY…and I will give you rest.

Are you weary? Let Him carry you to the place of rest, where striving ceases and comfort surrounds and abounds. He can do it for you. You just have to let Him.

I’ve realized lately that life feels overwhelming. I can’t seem to get a handle on things that I can usually handle and it’s all minor stuff…but it began to pile up on my heart and didn’t realize it…That is until yesterday when I began getting ready for work and a Simple Partial Seizure came like a sickening wave over me. Usually when I get one, typically I know at least 2 more will follow throughout the day. They leave me tired, weak and not fully remembering the days events in detail…like trying to remember what you did on any random day last week…it feels distant and disconnected. So as I stood at my bathroom sink brushing my teeth, another wave came over me. Halo in affect, hearing muffled, stomach clenched and the action of repeatedly swallowing, though nothing is there. At least my left arm doesn’t lock up like it used to. They happen once a year typically, during high stress times in my life. It wasn’t until later that evening after I read an article my friend sent me that I, like Moses and Elijah before me, had run out of myself. Moses was 40 years old before he reached this point in his life where he was at the end of his own capabilities. That’s when God stepped in. Moses was a Prince! He was fully capable! And he had come to a point where he said to God…who am I? I can’t even talk right!  He presented his faults to God and God was like…dude…I don’t care, that makes you PERFECT for what I want to do. Emptied of self so you can’t muck up what I want to do.

I feel pretty emptied. I know, based on my dreams that the husband God has for me is within my line of sight. Not somewhere over the rainbow, but the time is here and now and any day He will bring us together and I’m like AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! Yes Lord I’m ready and I want it! But…I’m not functioning properly right now, will he want me? Things I used to be able to do, I can’t seem to do. Surviving on stress and 6 hours of sleep I can’t do…It’s like it’s all catching up and I need 9+ hours and even then getting up in the morning is a struggle. I make it…I do it, but the way I feel about the finesse in which I accomplish these things feels a little deflated.

Now, of course he will want me. He’s been waiting a long time for me and he’s not going to pass up or walk away from what God has deemed His best for him… do I feel like God’s best…yeah…hahah, but does he feel like God’s best? Do we ever feel like God’s best? In 2 Corinthians 5:7 we are called to walk by faith and not by sight and so most likely both of us feel the same (I kinda have some insider information in this area…) about ourselves. But again, the way God sees us is so different from the way we see us. We list off our insecurities and think that just because we feel this way about ourselves it makes us unqualified and other people also feel this way about these same things on us and we take on the thought that everyone thinks we are unqualified. But the truth is, they are too busy being concerned about their own insecurities to notice yours. And the very things that you feel make you unqualified may be the very things that they love most about you. We have to lighten up on ourselves and attempt to see us the way God sees us. We have to lay these things down before the throne so we can be emptied and take on His vision for us. My struggles do not make me unqualified. It’s in my weakness that the Lord can move mountains, it’s in my weakness that the Lord finds me beautifully qualified. And yet we are so quick to put ourselves down. We can’t speak ill of the Lord’s anointed…and yes, that’s you. And me. And him.

We have to look in the mirror and say I am beautiful and loved and I can do all things through Christ…not through Amanda. Clearly not through Amanda. And what’s funny…that’s where the fruit is. God does the thing through us…and give us the reward. Isn’t that crazy?

So no more doubting yourself. Stop doubting who you are and let His love flow into your heart because you are His amazing creation and He loves you to the moon and back.

~Amanda

PS…Since writing this post, I have been bought lunch today…and someone bought me two pink roses as well. ❤

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