Open Doors

Friday, as I inked out my fears here I’d realized something happened.  There were some dreams I’d had a while back that outlined some things…some potentially hurtful things. I’d endured enough and didn’t want to face these things I was sure were going to happen. And on Thursday night when I sobbed my heart out, that something rose to the top and burst like a giant bubble, rising up from the depths to the surface where it popped.  On Thursday as I left work, I had a vision of an open door on the street and when I raised my sunglasses to get a better look, it was gone and I drove right over where this open door was. On Thursday and once again on Sunday the Lord let me find “diamonds” (cubic zirconia, but the message was the same) and told me that I was a “Diamond hidden in plain sight.”

I realized those things the Lord had shown me, were not things that were bound to happen…He was revealing to me my own heart. Since December the Lord has been revealing to me the condition of my heart in regards to myself. In my own heart, He was telling me, I thought I was a Scarlet Letter.

He was showing me a journey that had already taken place that resulted in a “raping” from the world…and the label that went along with it. I claimed that scarlet red and waited in the secret place, which was a beautiful cove of trees, smiling that something good would finally come of me. As I passed through the checkpoints, the men (men of this world) accepted the label I gave myself and agreed with it. All the while my betrothed, my beloved was out preparing himself for that moment that he and I would be together and so I waited in the secret place…and the world raped me. The fear that the Lord was showing me I had was that I was no good anymore. And that my betrothed would come and find me and be horrified…and he did, but only because it was my greatest fear. That he waited and prepared for me and here I was laying on the ground crying and dirty and raped. But then enters Lady Wisdom in all her goodness. I stood before her broken, crying and in the fashion of Glenda the Good Witch, she lifted my chin and said to me, “You were never Scarlet Red. You are Ruby Red.” My beloved standing by, pacing because of what had happened, because of what he saw. And so I walked the path again, crying the whole way there, repeating my new color to the men at the checkpoints along the way. “My secret color is Ruby Red,” and they agreed with me, “Your secret color is Ruby Red.” So I completed this downtrodden walk of shame back to the secret place where I laid down in a fetal position and sobbed near a bush. Accepting this new secret color was hard for me.  But even as I laid there, downtrodden and sad…My beloved still chose me. He came back and despite what he knew, he still picked me.

The reason these things came to the surface in me was because I was anticipating and hopeful of a meeting on Friday, that odd’s were it wasn’t going to happen…and I still had the Scarlet mindset. I was still “feeling bad” and “apologetic” and things like “I’m sorry, I’m probably not what you were expecting,” came to mind when imagining the moment when he realized who I was. Why? Why was I sorry? Because I didn’t believe in my own value. I still didn’t believe in who God said I was. And so I cried because I was worried about something actually happening in real life that would reveal my worst fears…that I wasn’t good enough.

My friend Shawn, Lord bless that woman, was angry over this dream and what I believed it to mean. I was resigned and accepting of it and said bravely, “I will go through whatever the Lord wills,” all good and martyr-like. She said, “You have already been through enough! There’s no way God would make you go through something like that!” But in reality, He did except the raping had already occurred. So as I sat there crying in my bed, hugging my pillow, I shouted. I shouted my worth…and as I laid there in my secret place, curled up in a fetal position…the dream that was a prophecy over my life had come to pass as so many before it.

And on Friday, I rose up from my bed a new woman. I had new courage. I was confident he wouldn’t show up…but I went anyway because I said I would be there. Instead I had a wonderful conversation with my very best friend, and we laughed and laughed. Something had changed in me overnight. I felt stronger and bolder and braver. And I knew that come Sunday I would stand before this man in real life…

…And invite him to coffee.  And like when you Give a Moose a Muffin, I hope he decides he would also like dinner.

~Amanda

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