No, not like Hide-and-Go-Seek…Like a deep dark place in the woods. It should be raining. Yep. That’ll do.
I’ve had visions of open doors, white and now yellow butterflies, Elephants too. Last night the enemy tried to invade my mind spewing insecurities at me while I sobbed into my trusty feather pillow. My faithful friend who has heard and can echo my hearts cry through the years by the tear stains on her cover as she has tenderly comforted me with her pinions. I shouted “I am beautiful! I am worth being someone first choice, not their resignated option!” Shouting to myself, prophesying to my own heart and convincing myself that I AM worth it. I’m not garbage, I have a beautiful heart…I’m worth it, worthy. The Lord has made me well, has lifted me up, gifted me…Betrothed me to my Beloved, from the foundation of the earth, this was who He had for me.
But my thoughts betrayed me.
Not good enough.
Not thin enough.
No one knows me.
I’m a charity case sitting on a thrift store shoe shelf.
My head started pounding, none of my sisters were awake to help soothe my soul, and then one messaged me. Panic. Fear. Trying to swallow the HUGE LEAP that the Lord had requested of her…quitting her job and not having anything behind it. Doubt. And on her behalf through my puffy eyes (Yep…I’m an ugly crier…) I started to push back the darkness and pray over her. I got up out of bed and started interceding on her behalf…and then my behalf and I realized…this was a Trojan Horse.
Designed to take us down from the inside by using our own fears, doubts and insecurities. As I got up this morning, I realized that there were many more of my sisters who had come under attack last night and I was glad that I had included their names in my fervent prayers in rebuking the enemies onslaught. During that prayer, I recalled the dream I had about the snake I had taken into my home. It was a sad little snake that had lost it’s fangs, was a baby and had no way to eat so I took it in to take care of it. I stood near my sister and my mom near a 3 foot brick retainer wall having a conversation when the snake grew exponentially right before my eyes though no one else seemed to notice and it advanced towards me. It’s head was the size of a LION and it was trying to eat me! Swallow me whole! And as I stood there holding it’s jaws open, struggling against it alone it suddenly grew fangs and it missed my arm narrowly but as I began to lose my grip on it’s bottom jaw, I used my knee to hold it so I could get a better grip on it’s lower jaw, when it’s fang pierced the first layer of skin on my stomach and began to pump it full of poison and it filled and looked like a blister…and it began to burn my skin inside. Somehow in the struggle I managed to tear the skin and the fluid spilled out on the floor and I woke up shouting, rebuking and saying “I crush your skull underneath my foot!”
I’m realizing that last night…I did the same. I used Genesis to curse the enemy. The struggle was with the flesh and how I feel about my body and how somehow I feel that it makes me unworthy of Love…when my very name “Amanda” means “Worthy of Love.” There was another dream about an envelope and how the envelope was stuffed FULL, it had a LOT of papers inside it and the papers represented me and that somehow my flap had been singed, but not burned…not consumed by the fire. The dreams are one in the same. I’m so concerned about what I look like on the outside that I forget the amazingness on the inside. That the Lord made me a warrior princess, to fight unseen battles.
These scars, these stretch marks, this imperfect body does not affect who I am. It does not affect my ability to love and be loved. And beauty isn’t marked on the outside, it’s on the inside.
Proverbs 31:30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
I’ve seen a beautiful person with an ugly heart and the depth of their ugliness seems to permeate the entirety of their body. But with a beautiful heart, even the outside…the pieces of me that I dislike do not compare to the beauty that I contain on the inside.
Thank you Father for making me, ME! I pray that my Beloved can see the same beauty.