Little yellow leaves spin and twirl towards me and one lands on my shirt over my heart. I hear you Lord, he’s coming, the time is now. Does he even know who he is? Does he know who I am? Has he come yet to the place where he’s analyzed me like a box of old shoes that he thinks should have made it to the thrift store? Could it be that he’s reading this…and wondering if I’m talking about him? Maybe. If he is…I’d love to have coffee with him…say 7pm Friday evening at the Starbucks down the way from church next to Albertsons.
How nerve wracking to come face to face with the man that the Lord has created just for me…and apologize that I didn’t know who I was…or I would have waited for him. Could I even have words to say…I have so many questions, so many things to share and ask…And try, in my excitement to NOT be overwhelming. What’s your favorite cartoon?! Favorite Disney movie or favorite color? Where is your favorite place to go? Adventure? Favorite candy? Or are you like me and candy is…okay…only on those rare occasions. Allergies? Are you a picky eater?? What is your FAVORITE FOOD?! What is your favorite childhood memory? Do you have any pets? What do you know about me? Am I a mystery to you? Or were you paying attention and saw all the breadcrumbs I left you?
I saw you watching me. I should have waved. I wondered what you were thinking. I keep waiting for the go-ahead from the Lord. But then again, yesterday was day one of the green light. Patience. We both have been waiting a very long time for each other…since 2010 for me unconsciously. Since last July consciously and since last October very consciously knowing precisely who you are. Hard. I have been praying for you daily since then and trying to stay under the radar.
This morning on my way to work, I felt an overwhelming sadness from you. Like you were frustrated, longing to belong and crying out to the Lord and I prayed. Last night I dreamed about angelic battles with dark forces, almost like I was there watching it, it was in an area just outside the earth’s atmosphere and there were demons wrestling with angels. They were holding back answered prayers and gifts and promises to the people of God that the Lord was sending down and in my tossing and turning I also prayed, rebuked and felt like I was fighting on behalf of those angels who were fighting for us. Our gift of each other was there being held back. Shawn knew she had been praying in her sleep as well and woke up knowing that her prayers had been answered. There’s a battle afoot!
I hope you know that you do belong. I’m fighting my own mindsets and insecurities and I keep having to remind myself that the Lord has qualified me and the very things that I think disqualify me are the things that qualify me. Same with you. It was your heart that I loved first so anything you think about yourself, those things that you hate about yourself just don’t count because your heart is so BIG, I can’t see anything else around it. Don’t get me wrong, I know you aren’t perfect…neither am I. I’m human. There will be days that we are at odds and I will do my best to remind myself that you are NOT the enemy and that we truly do have an enemy that wants us at odds with each other. You have been waiting so long…your wait is over. I’ve been so worried about acting out of turn, creating Ishmaels…But the time is now. The Lord has been saying the time is now. So now I wait on Him to lead me to act. To have my Ruth moment, my Esther moment, my Abigail moment…so I can obtain the man with a heart likened unto David the Lord has been telling me about. He really loves you.
So do I. And that’s rather radical of me to say. One might question me and say “But Amanda, you don’t really know him all the way yet. How can you say you love him?” And to that I would say, “Because the Lord has put him on my heart, shown me who he is at his core, shown me that he is ready and that the Lord made him for me, and equipped him for me. I KNOW what he’s made of because he was made by the Lord. Everything else after that…I trust the Lord in whom He picked for me, He knows what I need and what I like…He made me!” We have a destiny together. We have a job to do and I’m excited to move forward and take hold of the Lord’s promises together. I’m excited about you.