He is the rewarder of those who diligently seek him.
Consider it pure joy when you face trials of many kinds.
The time has come, labor has begun and my heart is already beginning to feel heavy. Heavy because I’m tired of the rejection, tired of being discounted, stuffed down, forgotten, written off, ignored. I’m tired! But I feel this way because these things affect me. They affect me because I don’t truly believe yet that I am worth more. I accept those labels, I take them in and the words and actions stab at my heart and I let them hurt me.
Introduce me Lord to the more that you have for me. You are the God of more than enough. Show me that I do NOT equal the labels that have been set upon me. That there is fire inside of me, show me what I am capable of.
“You can’t escape the person God says you are. There are seeds that have been sewn, things that have been hidden and you almost think that they are dead. God IS springing it up. It’s not far off. You’ve asked God, and the moment that you asked, it was planted and God has not forgotten you. He’s not forgotten what He’s promised you. It will flourish and everyone will see it. ”
I sewed that seed and felt truly crazy doing it. It was this quiet whisper in my heart as I marveled at the heart of the man I was listening to, amazed that men with a heart for the Lord like that truly existed anymore and I asked in that moment that the Lord would grant me A husband like that. A man with a heart on fire for the Lord. And I heard “No, (not “a” husband) this one.”
“Uh…what? This one? You want me to ask for this one?” Then as if to answer my doubt his voice amplified over the sermon and he said, “God says you don’t have because you don’t ask.” Suddenly silent tears fell from my face into the lavender scented bath water and I got bold and asked for that very man and realized that he was the very one the Lord had shown me 5 years prior. I woke up the next morning and just felt invigorated the entire day. Just filled to the brim over what I believed the Lord was doing and had stirred in me. I struggled with doubt over this 9 months, this roller coaster of being revved up for what the Lord was going to do and this doubt that I was in fantasy land, dreaming for things that I could never obtain, waiting for the disappointment yet rejoicing over the heart of the one I have come to love. I love what the Lord has shown me about him, has whispered to me in the night regarding his heart and yet there is so much more to know…so much more to discover and love.
I remember in middle school there was this star football player. I thought he was good looking and had this charm about him. I shared with a friend, just one of the many who would betray me, make fun of me and turn their back on me growing up, that I had a crush on him. She went over and talked to him and came back and said that suddenly we were boyfriend and girlfriend. Yep…I was the SUPER naive girl who believed and trusted everyone and took them at their word. And when in my excitement I began to share, I quickly found myself face to face with his actual girlfriend…who now wanted to fight me. I turned around and walked away. Embarrassed and ashamed. I never fully trusted her again.
But the good news is, my God is TRUSTWORTHY. When he lays something on my heart to say or do or ask for, I know that I can trust Him. I know that I can take him to the bank and He will write that check. So this man that I asked for…this man of God with the most beautiful heart I have ever seen…He is mine. He isn’t yet…but in my heart of hearts I know that he was meant for me “From the foundation of the earth” he was meant for me. I have labored over him in my bed at night before I go to sleep, lifting him up to my Poppa God asking for transformation, questioning the Lord in my confusion, laying out my own insecurities and asking for growth and healing. I’m here…I’m at this divine precipice. This giant cliff and this huge chasm out below where I know the Lord is bringing me an airplane to climb into and fly out over so he can take me and my children to greater heights and places in Him where we will go and do, be His hands and feet and bring more people up to where the Lord can work in hearts and minds and we can go forth like a mighty army of Love spreading like Holy Wildfire the Love that we know in Christ Jesus.
I’m no longer confused. I’m no longer going to ride the roller coaster of doubt. I know. I will have what I asked for and I will have it. But the red. There’s so much red. This Holy pause button for His people that will heal us and lift us up. The cleansing red of Blood washing over us, removing the things the world has placed on us, removing strongholds and thought paths and labels and bringing our hearts into greater alignment with Him so we can go forth and be conquerors. Bringing us deeper into His rest, into the quiet places where he can build and conquer on our behalf.
The Lord will FIGHT for you, you need only BE STILL (Exodus 14:14)
I will Lord, I will…
Father, bring me deeper into your rest. This place where I lay down and stare up and the night sky lit up by thousands upon thousands of stars, lined with trees and the crickets chirping as I lay and listen to the beat of your heart, hidden in this quiet place where you will make me new. Where you will remove the years of “not good enough” and “not pretty enough” and “too fat” and “not smart enough” and stripping the lies, removing the cuss words, the rape of my heart, the physical abuse and…and…and…Things necessary to bring me to where I am. They have made me who I am and I have overcome. I bring victory with me, but there’s one last victory to be had before I can obtain what I asked for.
And I will have it.
PS- I finally don’t care who sees this. Call me crazy but, I just don’t care. It’s time for boldness. It’s time to throw off the chains that have been holding us…holding us on the inside.