Waiting is hard.
God showed me something amazing a few months ago…late September actually. My future husband. I’m at about 4 months of actually knowing who he is, but He told me back in June of 2015 what my journey looked like in my Wedding dress dream.
It’s crazy sort of knowing the future before it happens. I say sort of because dreams from God never come with timelines, they are always in code…and often you don’t know what bits of it mean until the time has arrived when you need to know.
I’ve ventured across the dirt, I had my moment of fear in the middle where I froze and I continued moving forward. Naked, embarrassed I made my way across. Something I’m realizing as I think about this dream is after the half way point I no longer recall feeling embarrassment or fear. In fact the journey from half way to the other doorway seemed much quicker than from my starting point to the middle. I wasn’t afraid…the second part of my walk was just…a walk. Hmm…(yeah, I’m just realizing this now…).
So far I’ve had many moments of sheer excitement where it feels like bubbling over and so not containable. Sometimes torture. I found myself (now here’s a deep down revelation of self for ya…) searching. Searching for red flags. They are there. They are always there right? Impatience, hatred, prejudice, anger, frustration, pride, arrogance….I now know what I’m looking for, I can find it. For a while I wanted to prove to myself that this was me- the fabrications of my making. I was stewing in doubt. This was my own mind playing games and I had many “watch me find it” moments where I was sure this was way too good to be true…And yet, every time God showed me the opposite.
Patience. Love. Laughter. Peace. Passion. The Spirit of God.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keep no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Every time I searched, I saw more of what God was telling me I was worth, what I deserved, what He wanted for me…what this person was made of. It’s one thing to say good things about yourself, but quite another when all you see is what others have to say about you (Proverbs 27:2). After confirmation on top of confirmation I finally took a stand against my doubt and chose to believe with all my heart. I would no longer be a wave tossed on the sea. And suddenly…I had peace. I know my future husband will forgive me for the search, the effort to protect my heart, for a while now I have had no desire to even look or search…I have peace. I learned a LOT about trusting God these last few months and trusting what I’d heard/seen was not my imagination. It’s hard to imagine a happily ever after when you’re a divorced woman with kids with your first attempt at it went down in a blazing…something-or-other…Seam ripping the lies that have been sewn in your heart is hard won battle…but with God, all things are possible.
So the confirmations begin to die down, the messages are fewer between. It doesn’t mean it’s not true and valid…it’s the calm. The quiet spaces where I must choose to remain in God and just breathe and pray and remain in Hope and Trust and Praise God…even when He’s silent. I still must be walking through the dirt of this coliseum but nearing the other side. The roar of the crowd has died down and I’m in this blurry space between the middle and the end where I receive my certificate of completion. I know nothing besides that…which forces me to lean on the One who holds my life because HE KNOWS what’s next. I can only see the next hilltop…but there’s still a stretch of unfamiliar land in between that I can’t see and I need Him to help me navigate.
Ladies, find peace in your Savior in the waiting. God said it isn’t good for man to be alone…don’t let anyone stuff down your longings for a mate and tell you to be happy you are single and…and…and…Truth is, we were made this way. These longings are natural because we were made this way. Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for wanting a husband…but please wait for the man God has for you.