Confessions

I have a super smart friend. God sent her to me…or me to her…interchangeably sent us to each other. We are both walking through roughly the same scenarios right now and it’s rather awesome.

Today however is a day that feels not so awesome.

I ate half a Totino’s pizza last night…
My pants are feeling too tight.
My shirt has a SERIOUS static problem today.
If I wear my sweater I get zapped repeatedly by static.
I’m cold…see above…
I don’t feel good enough.
My skin is not cooperating this week.
My hair is sticking to my face and neck…see *static* above.
My children won’t go to bed so I can have a moment of me time.
I’ve lost 20lbs and I’ve manage to keep it off…but now I’m stuck and frustrated.
I realize God is molding me and shaping me for the future, but I don’t feel worthy enough.

I’m not worthy because…I don’t have it all together. But I think that is what makes me very worthy…because I know it. And I know that in ALL things I should be praising God but on those days where things are needling at my nerves…I have to take a deep breath and say “Lord, please remove these *things* from me. From my heart, from my mind. I’m frustrated today. I can’t focus, I want to rush home and put on my pajamas and order some Chinese…

But I can’t do that. Trying to refocus on losing weight. Trying to figure out what’s for dinner and how I’ve almost got a whole basket of laundry again…and I need to change my sheets…my kids won’t stay in bed…And there’s this plethora of pressures I’ve put on my person that are unnecessary and unkind words spill from my lips and I bubble up with no where to go but up like a volcano.

Too. Much. Pressure.

But all of this pressure is self inflicted. For whom must I do laundry…me…the kids. Who is telling me to do it…me. Demanding that the toys get picked up? Me. Dishes done? Me. Floor swept? Me. Sheets changed? Me again…and I load my shoulders and my heart up with all of these things I have to do and I can feel the nerves in my back sending off their lightning bolts…but why? Why am I carrying this heavy burden? When was the last time I asked Jesus to help me carry the weight? And in the back of my mind…this pressure on myself to grow and thrive and be the woman God wants me to be because something awesome is waiting in the wings!!!

But if I continue to carry these things on my shoulders, by whose power am I living my life?? Mine.  We already know our plans don’t work out too well.

I’m driving in the car this morning and I cry out GOD! WHAT CAN I DO!! It felt like I had it together the week before last! Why does this week feel like it has fallen apart! Because it has. Because there’s something to learn here. The weight has gotten heavier, because Jesus wants me closer.

So God, WHAT. DO. I. DO!

And I hear, “She rises early…”

Proverbs 31:15
She gets up while it is still night;
    she provides food for her family
    and portions for her female servants.

The time I have been seeking is not found at night, but early in the morning.  I’m driving and thinking…GAH! I know God! But I’m a NIGHT OWL…Reversing is SO HARD! Waking up is SO HARD…But as I whine I start to think about it…I can reverse my prayer time (I’ve been trying right when I get up…but I feel so delirious that I end up doing morning and evening) I can have coffee or tea when I get up, I can consider dinner, make breakfast, have time to myself to clean up, throw in a load of laundry if I want and all while the kids are sleeping. It really is the perfect solution. So then I go to bed when the kids do and it ends the insanity. I’m up early enough so they can be up earlier and I can give my son more time to wake up because he’s clearly like his mother…and grandfather.

I recognize that God is still shaping me. I feel like the last 2 days has just piled up a bunch of junk. Things sent to make me nervous, lose focus and get upset. But I’m not upset…I did have a moment where I was like “!!!!!” Oh NOES what do I DO?! Then I took a deep breath and passed a note to my Savior…

Because always and forever…I am His, and He is mine.

We will get through this. All of this. With flying colors.

 

Blessings,

Amanda

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