The Tell Tale Heart

Writing. Writing my heart out through a pen (err keyboard) onto paper is messy work. Messy because who I am, the real and the gritty often make it out. And this is public.

I write, I talk, I emote because I’m real. I want the world to know who I am…or at least my little corner of the world. I’m real I’m human. Things plague my life, my mind, my Spirit just like any other person out there. I pen my heart to paper and the pen writes as if alive. As if it’s ventured places and has lived my life, it’s alive as it writes my heart, my blood it’s ink, my soul it’s permanence. What is written can never be undone, just like I can never be undone because my life retains it’s permanence within the Bride. But I am not veiled before my Husband because he knows me, he knows my heart and I am secure in Him. God the father is my caretaker, he retains my permanence, his Word can never be undone.

And so I spill my heart out as bloody ink on dirty paper because I am not yet made perfect…and friend neither are you. We are on our way, we’re on a journey through life as God irons out our wrinkles, washes our spots (Eph 5:27). And so because of that I am not afraid to lay out my follies, my mistakes and shortcomings because I know that you have them too. And maybe, just maybe if we allow ourselves to be more real and to tear down the veil we seem to wear among each other then maybe too we will be clearly seen among each other.  My ironing is lately is painful as it burns away the old me, smoothing out what will be the new me and it hurts. I’ve prayed for patience and get more chaos which gives me more opportunity to exercise patience, I ask to have fervor and appreciation for my job again as depression this year has taken me down a dark and lazy tunnel and so I get written up which has definitely given me renewed appreciation and fervor because…I’m not in the market for a new job.

If you give something to God, you better believe he’s going to work it. And usually it never happens in the way you would like it to.  Just like the Israelites who completely missed the Messiah because they were looking for a King, the problem was, that King didn’t look how their minds perceived He would look. So because Jesus came humbly, they didn’t see that their prayers had been answered, the prophecies fulfilled.

Sometimes we ask for things and they don’t turn out how we would expect. But to God, what he is seeking is the end result. The refinement. The beautification that took Esther a whole year to undergo before she was ready for the king. The burning off of things that are not of Him, so we can be perfect and blameless, spotless before Him and sometimes those things hurt.

I feel like I’ve lost my momentum ^ I just read the entire book of Esther. That book makes me cry, every time. It’s so inspiring as a woman to read that book. Jesus empowered women like that. To think of spending a whole year away from your family and in that time to have to learn etiquette, how to put on makeup, learn what the king likes/dislikes and altering your behaviors and who you are so that you are ready for this man? So I am open and honest about my shortcomings. I’m a work in progress as I allow God to beautify me and make me new. But why do we hide our ugly parts? Why do we make friends under false pretenses making people feel like we’ve got it all together when we in fact do not? We clean our houses when people come over, but what if we didn’t? I mean not dirty on a slobbish level, but I mean at any given point of any given day I have toys on the floor and dishes in my sink, clothes in the dryer, and maybe even clean clothes dumped out on the couch. I might not have swept my floor that week or vacuumed my carpet but why are we so afraid of showing people the parts of us we struggle with. Some people will go to great lengths to hide and deny, cover and conceal. And yet some are so weary and tired that they can’t help it.

I try to be real. I say too much, I share too much but this is a part of who I am, it’s how I process data.

A few months ago, mid summer or so, God gave me a verse:

1 Samuel 16:7

But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”

Don’t we do that? We look on outward appearances, statuses, possessions, eye color, hair color when on the inside, the poor man may be more beautiful where it counts? As a culture we’re so ready to dismiss people who are different from us. Birth defects, injuries, speaks differently, looks differently, smells funny, bad teeth, bad hair, no hair, how we keep our house, or even the size and decor or whatever, when in reality the Bible says we are to embrace those very people.

Luke 16:15

And he said to them, “You are those who justify yourselves before men, but God knows your hearts. For what is exalted among men is an abomination in the sight of God.

What if we stopped justifying ourselves and just laid out our Edgar Allen Poe hearts on the table for all to see. What if we didn’t hide it? What if we truly shared the burdens on our hearts? I think you would find that there are more people willing to carry your burden with you than you realize.  That people love you more than you think but because they are worried about their own beating hearts in it’s chest hidden under the floorboards, your beating heart on the table makes them nervous, uncomfortable…                                      unwilling to unpack their heart.


Come Out of Hiding
By Steffany Gretzinger

Come out of hiding
You’re safe here with Me
There’s no need to cover
What I already see

You’ve got your reasons
But I hold your peace
You’ve been on lockdown
And I hold the key

‘Cause I loved you before you knew it was love
And I saw it all, still I chose the cross
And you were the one that I was thinking of
When I rose from the grave

Now rid of the shackles, My victory’s yours
I tore the veil for you to come close
There’s no reason to stand at a distance anymore
You’re not far from home

I’ll be your lighthouse
When you’re lost at sea
And I will illuminate

No need to be frightened
By intimacy
No, just throw off your fear
And come running to Me

‘Cause I loved you before you knew it was love
And I saw it all, still I chose the cross
And you were the one that I was thinking of
When I rose from the grave
Now rid of the shackles, My victory’s yours
I tore the veil for you to come close
There’s no reason to stand at a distance anymore
You’re not far from home
Keep on coming

And oh as you run
What hindered love
Will only become
Part of the story

Baby, you’re almost home now
Please don’t quit now
You’re almost home to Me



And OH as you run, what hindered love will only become part of the story…

That you penned in ink from your heart on dirty paper…
And when you read back through your book you will find…

It is all just a memory.