Letting Go

Today I’m experiencing freedom. Finally.

And a word my spirit is giving me in terms of feeling and I have no word for it.

It’s like your arms open, your chest cavity opened and the breath you draw is unhindered by your body and you breathe in something other than air but it’s inhaled through your open chest, not your mouth. Peace and Surrender are as close as I can come. It’s not the first time God has given me a word that can only be understood by the Spirit and I have no word for it or have to combine a few words and a description to get the meaning across.

Yesterday I wrote about finally having peace regarding the situation I’m in. I’m so grateful for the day I had yesterday in the Spirit and the breakthrough I had has left me with a heart that is overflowing with this substance that I have consumed that is not air of an earthly quality. It was a pre-preparation for the news I would get later in the afternoon.

My ex has just been laid off.

JUST as I had been hopeful for the start of child support finally, he gets laid off. But my reaction was not what I would have expected it to be under those circumstances.

I said “gosh, I’m sorry. That sucks. Well get out there and start looking. You’ll find something”… I truly didn’t care. I don’t want to sound mean, but I wasn’t concerned for myself. I’m not anymore. Who I am and everything I have I have placed in His capable hands. Yep, it certainly sucks and it really puts some things up in the air. But I’m NOT counting on my ex to help support us…I’m counting on God to sustain us. And whatever that looks like, I trust His plan for our lives is far better than I can plan for us. I walked the parking lot last night at church. It was cold, but the cool crisp air was much needed, so was the singing.

There’s something about singing for me that is like a release of some sort when I need it, this cry that echoes through the universe seeking comfort and peace. Other times it’s like a celebration that echoes through my body and others like a Holy meeting between me and my Father God. This surging of the Holy Spirit that fills my entire being to bursting and it leaves me crying in it’s wake, a wave crashing over my soul…And some days my heart has been carried out to sea and all I can manage is silence, or tears, or mumbled words, or a smile because I know how much God loves me.

Lately, even through the frustration, struggle and tears as God has been working in me something fierce, I keep getting these glimpses, these feelings of newness, these stirrings that I can almost capture their essence but before I can they disappear. God is doing a new thing…I CAN perceive it. I feel it. It’s coming. So many things He has laid on my heart and I have had to take them up and lay them back down at His feet. The things I’ve perceived and their greatness and magnitude leave me staggering and flabbergasted…and in realization of just how great He is. How great thou art!

Sometimes when I’m struggling to let go of something, my struggle is with “how does this feel?” or “how do I do this?” despite the fact that I’ve done it many times before…which shows us that it’s not in our power to just do, we have to seek our Father and ask Him to help us, we need to join with him to tackle a problem.

Poppa God, I love  you. Thank you for removing this fear, this burden from my shoulders. I know that it is for your glory that I be refined and perfected. Continue to do your work in me, that I may go out and serve you in the capacity that you would have me serve you.