It’s so hard living with a broken heart

Isaiah 61:1 

The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;

Jesus.

And yet, I’ve been living with one for some time now. A year?

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not my husband. At. All. He’s amazing, encouraging, his eyes twinkle when he looks at me and tells me I’m beautiful…It was a woman. The woman who called herself my best friend.

I realized yesterday after my husband was praying over me and he heard the Holy Spirit say “grieving” and I knew what it was over. A few years ago I had friends. One has decided to allow her heart to be swayed by her unbelieving husband. The other completely threw me under the bus over a situation she didn’t bother asking me about. She had begun to distance herself from me even before then but she shared her assumptions as truth to my ex husband who unwittingly called the police causing a whole pot of shit to be stirred. Becoming a step mom is hard. I needed support, encouragement, someone to stand by my side in friendship, not pull the rug out from under me and make it worse. We’re a year and a half from that time. I forgave her but she decided she wasn’t deserving of my forgiveness and she pulled away even more until I was put on “read” and sat that way for over a month. I unfollowed and tried to let go but I found myself checking in on her occasionally. Still the picture perfect…everything.

I was driving around yesterday talking to Father and realized that I’ve struggled to reconnect with Him since moving almost 2 years ago. So much of life is not constant for me that trying to find that quiet moment on a regular basis (I used to sit at night before bed and journal) is just about impossible. Sometimes I feel guilty for the lack of time I feel I spend with even my husband and he’s amazing! How much more amazing is Father, Jesus and Holy Spirit and yet….let’s just say, my guilt eats at me and keeps me further from Him. Guilt.

Guilt was what I was suffering from. Guilt from what used to be my best friend, and my own guilt in my relationship with Father. I’ve come to the realization after remembering a dream I had about her wandering off to “race” with another female runner that I need to let her go. I need to release the soul tie (though I thought I had) and move on and then release my own guilt so I can start fresh. Just because something doesn’t look the same way as it did before, doesn’t mean it still can’t be beautiful.

Just because I’ve had my heart broken in the friendship department, doesn’t mean that Jesus can’t mend it. He was sent to bind up the broken hearted.

Jesus I give you my broken heart and ask that you would mend it. Release me from my friendship and the soul tie with her and I ask that you would enhance a current friendship to that place or bring another. Help me to always be a better friend than I was yesterday and please let my friendships always be equally yoked in you.

Thanks,

Amanda

Of Dementors and Transmissions

It’s been a long time since I’ve written. Anything. At. All.

One could say very simply, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times” and it wouldn’t be wrong.

I’ve done a lot of painful growing, as a person, as a parent, as a spouse and as a believer too. I’ve had to face much of my own triggers (that I didn’t know were there) and heal from those, I’ve had to change my way of thinking about myself, and the life that’s being cut out for myself as I grow. They (whoever “they” are) say that “Necessity is the mother of invention” and that too is also not wrong. I’ve done a lot of things in the last year and a half that I would never have imagined me doing before like be my own mechanic, a builder (one of the kiddos is convinced I’m going to build him his own outdoor cabin/man cave and keeps asking when I’m going to start), a remodeler and repairer of campers, an entrepreneur just to name a few. It’s amazing how the faith of little children in myself and my skills/abilities seriously outweighs my own, but I’m learning to trust what they see as I go along. My husband has had full faith in me this whole time.

Currently, up to bat is my van. It’s frustratingly broken down with a transmission needing to be replaced or rebuilt.

There’s this scene in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (walk with me here for a second) where Harry is about to pass out from a Dementor sucking his very soul from his body and from across the pond he sees the form of his dad coming to rescue him by performing the Patronus spell. He’s excited. He knows his father is going to come through and so he’s gone back in time with Hermione and he ends up just feet away watching, waiting, convinced and telling Hermione any moment now his dad is going to come back and save him and his God Father, Sirius Black. Hermione mentions that she doesn’t believe he’s coming and that they are dying and suddenly Harry comes to the realization that he is the one who will save them. He walks over to the bank and casts the Patronus, scaring off the Dementors and ultimately saving his own life.

I see this analogy often in my life. Especially since I asked for some pretty big things a few years back. You see, I want to invent things. I love working with tools, I love coming up with solutions, thinking outside the box. I have an engineers brain and heart and lately I’ve come to the conclusion (very slowly come here, and definitely not through pride either) that I’m far more intelligent than even I understand.

Let’s get back to the van situation. It’s been down since August. It’s driving me nuts. We do pretty well only having one car but it doesn’t make sense to me that a 2010 HONDA with 150,000 miles would have a busted transmission. But Lucas and I prayed and we have been excited to see just what Father would do to solve this problem. Time has been on our side for sure but it’s over $6K to get a new one, $3600 to rebuild it, $1300 to find one online or $800 if I could find one local (which has been a challenge) and have a shop install it or…around $350 if I do it (tools, seals, guide books and the $100 transmission). We’ve been sitting and waiting and watching for the opportunity that Father would have for us. We met a gentleman who had all the tools and wisdom to swap it out and he confirmed a word we had gotten about watching the junk yards for one. It didn’t end up panning out but he gave me a confidence that I could in fact replace a transmission. I’ve been chewing on that and it’s taken me a while of standing behind that tree, waiting for my Father to come and do it for me, to save me from the soul wrenching plight of having 7 kids and only one car and come and fix the problem and yet I’ve come to the conclusion, that I need to fix my problem…and He will be right there with me.

I’ve wrestled with a lot of tears and fears and frustrations over this, but I realized that I had this same issue when I was looking at doing the camper roof rebuild. At that point it was only $400 I’d be out if I couldn’t do it, which grew to about $1200 after a while but turned into priceless memories when I’d accomplished what I set out to do. It wasn’t perfect. Yep, there’s things that need adjusting still, but it works, looks pretty darn good and we’ve had some good times in it. I wrestled hard with fear over that camper. I asked my husband when we were standing in the dark at a strangers house looking at it, “Do you trust in my ability to fix this?” and he responded with, “Babe, you can do anything.”

Anything. This is the same confidence our Father has in us too when we walk with Him. It’s because He sees Jesus in us, the Holy Spirit in us and because He knows we have the mind of Christ in us. Father is confident in us and we should be confident in Him too.

So the current thing I’m overcoming is the fear of damaging my van worth over $10K which I still owe about $1500 on. I’m combating that with knowledge and understanding. I’m soaking up all I can in information because fear is based in a lack of understanding in ANY area. My plan is to find one, remove it while at the junk yard myself so when I come to do mine, I’ve already done it once and any mistakes I’ve made the first time I can put in place for the second time. At the same time, it will enable me to check out any suspension that might need to be replaced, repacked with grease, etc and do some other things that also need attention.

Not gonna lie, it’s intimidating up until the moment you start doing it, but I know I can. There’s a “no turning back now” moment you come across in anything this daunting where you know there’s no going backwards, only forwards. Father always supplies ALL our needs, but sometimes He wants to show us what we’re made of.

And besides, necessity is after all the mother of invention right? So…Giddyup.

~Amanda

Time’s passing

Lucas,

I love you more now than I ever could have imagined. A year has since passed and I remember how you made me feel as we talked about Father. I was excited to find someone who shared the fervor and passion I had with Him.

We have made great strides in our kids, had great fun this year, bought a camper, had adventures of all kinds and I’m excited about what next year holds. I love you so much more now than at first and I love how you encourage me and always point me back to Fathers heart.

I am truly grateful for you, for your heart and for your love, your provision. Thank you for allowing me to be freely myself and allow me the creative license to express myself. You are the bees knees, the cats pajamas and I love you ❤️

The Attacks of the Enemy

I obtained the promise I waited for. I thought I was going to walk into the sunset of marital bliss…

On one hand yes…the other, no.

My husband is quite possibly the kindest man I’ve ever met. He is gentle, soft spoken, and his eyes glitter when I look at them. I love all the “unlovable” imperfections and when I wake up in the middle of the night and roll over to hear him breathing, my cheeks turn up into a smile at how he loves me. He is constantly thinking of me. If I can’t find my phone, usually he’s put it on charge for me. My water cup is never empty, and my tummy is never hungry. He insists on me making sure I take care of myself, he insists on me not allowing myself to be disrespected…even by my own children.

He is everything I asked for and more. We have prayed for people and seen them healed. We have walked people through emotional healing and helped set them free, we have watched a woman remove her knee braces and do squats- something she had previously been unable to do. We have done damage to the kingdom of the enemy…and that means we have a target on our backs.

Typically the enemy will attack you in the area of your calling. He’s trying to discourage you, tear you down and stop you from moving forward. He’s trying to label you as something you are not. DO NOT agree with him!!

I often tell people when helping them decipher their dreams is that sometimes we have dreams that are “Second Heaven” dreams, which is enemy territory. This happens when you are not seated in your heavenly place, you aren’t where you should be and it’s a call to come higher. There is a benefit to this though, it enables you to see the plots and plans of the enemy and with those tidbits of knowledge you can war against his tactics and shut down his plans before they begin because he is not more powerful than you. The same goes with enemy attacks, there’s a positive side to it as it’s helpful to see what he is targeting in your life.

Lucas and I have a solid unity. The enemy has tried over and over again to attack our unity. We have had junk slung at us from inside and outside our camp, and even words from the mouth of my own child saying his goal was to separate us because he wanted to go back to his easy life back home. He’s got chores now, he’s held accountable for his shenanigans and we don’t take no for an answer. Things got stricter for my son for sure. He really fought back for a while until a DCS person told him (after he “ran away” and told our neighbor that we carry him like a rag doll to his room when he won’t go…my son was laughed at by the guy) that it’s NOT better “out there” and that in our home and care was the safest place for him.

I’m going to take a moment and talk about boundaries. Something I thought I understood but did not fully understand.

He’s not used to having boundaries. We gave the kids the woods and the creek to roam free and have fun, until they violated that by dragging an exercise machine into the water and breaking a neighbors shovel. So we changed the boundaries, violated again. Changed the boundaries, each time bringing them closer in. They had the entire cul-de-sac to ride their bikes until we saw that they had crossed a major and very busy road. So we made the boundary half way down the street, violated again. We made it the end of the driveway. Violated again repeatedly. So now currently they are only allowed to play in the back yard with the hammock and the trampoline and the swing and the other swing and the slide and the tree house…Somehow these things are not enough…they continue to try and go into the neighbors backyard. The joys of not having fences. I recall sitting in the hammock one morning sitting with Father and asking Him what He saw. He started talking about trees. Here’s what Holy Spirit relayed to me:

HS: The road of a Pioneer is never easy. Thank you for being willing to walk it.
Me: But what if I stumble?
HS: Then clear the rocks away for those who will come behind you.
Me: What am I supposed to be doing and learning for myself?
HS: Keep doing what you love, multiple streams of income will flow from that space. I created you with these joys on purpose. Keep learning.
Me: What about nature? What about healing? I want to be more and better at it.

I began to see a tree in our backyard that has vines growing around it and it’s choking it out and then it turned into a person with chains wrapped around them.

HS: Loose the chains of injustice
Me: How do we loose the chains of injustice?

Holy Spirit began showing me a person growing beyond their chains, it almost looked like the Hulk busting out of large heavy chains and breaking free.

HS: Chains say “you can’t” but growing past them says “you can.” It’s all about permission. Someone who has been allowed to, will and they will keep going and growing and taking ground without boundaries or knowing where to stop. When boundaries (physical and spiritual) are set, people feel safe to grow, when they are not, they grow wildly (like the vines on the tree), without regard for what is around them. Boundaries builds awareness and provides an area of safety to grow. Like the vines on the tree, they have no boundaries and so they have consumed another in its own growth forgetting that it’s survival is dependent on that which it grows.

HS: When people are in bondage, they are not allowed to grow. Life with Me provides freedom to grow inside safe, loving, kind and just boundaries. My boundaries respects the boundaries of others to grow. It does not hinder another’s progress and yet no one is above another to not have the same growth opportunity. I have a special place in the chambers of My heart for each person to grow and thrive without growing over and causing another to live in bondage because of their actions. My heart is big enough for each of you to step in and receive.

When HS said that last sentence I understood it to be loaded with more than just a statement. It was a BE READY to receive because it’s coming, what I have for you.

I then asked HS about wanting to walk more in the space and time anointing and HS said:
Time is just another chain, a boundary that man has bound himself by. Choose to go and grow beyond time. These chains no longer hold you, Jesus set you free from those already. This is why all My promises are yes and amen in Me- Because I have already made room for them in the boundary lines I have set for you and why they have landed in good places. I have gone before you. Like a well orchestrated symphony I have synchronized the lines to move in harmony, each instrument having their own lines to play. The harmony and melody all working together to form a grand picture of my plans, each persons tent pegs expanding to reach the corners of another but not overreaching, forming a covering and a web of connection of my lovers over the earth. Ask me and I will expand you (all the way out to maximum capacity.)

Man, talk about being blown away. I went out there to ask about my kids and was initially frustrated when I wasn’t hearing what I wanted to hear. I was like GIVE ME STRATEGY! GIVE ME BREAKTHROUGH! So often we go before Him like He’s a grand cookie jar and I’m just gonna reach in and take what I want. That’s not relationship. That’s convenience.

But that’s how my kids were treating me. I was their grand cookie jar, and they were taking what they wanted. I was the great tree being choked out by the unruly vines. I was the one that needed to set the standard. I was the problem. I had allowed my children to grow all over me and didn’t set boundaries. This was why I was having such a hard time with them. I was breaking learned behaviors. Holy Spirit was gently telling me that I was the problem and I needed to learn how to put boundaries in place with my children and be consistent. I’m happy to say that I feel like things are getting better. It was touch and go for a while, especially when my son decided he was going to run away (he didn’t go far) because he wasn’t getting his way. We have half a dozen books on our nightstand that we consult for strategy often, as well as sitting in prayer together seeking His heart.

So, back to my original thoughts…The enemy will always attack you in the area of your calling. Our calling is kids. Helping children and teens heal emotionally from traumatic experiences, and let me tell you between my husbands 5 and my own 2, we have our hands full. But Father always wants us to set our own “house” in order before He sends us out. Our “house” is our training ground. It’s not easy honestly…Especially when healing of a child comes out of a trust relationship and they are hell bent on the opposite. One of the kids has been extremely disrespectful to me from the get-go and doesn’t care who he hurts. My son just wants his way. My daughter developed an attitude that was a mimic of another kid, they bounce off each other and take on things another of them does. One day my son told us that he hears voices. We struggled with that one, a friend had to come in and help us. The day before, he had been in his room hysterically crying and his eyes did not look normal, they looked like snake eyes. I recalled a dream I had about a tiny tiger that had swallowed a snake and it had latched on to the sinus membrane in it’s throat (affecting the spiritual senses) and I realized that was exactly what I was seeing. I gently put my hands on the side of his face and commanded the spirit to come out and in under 30 seconds he had stopped and was once again in control of himself. We have faced so much adversity in the last almost 6 months, and I realized it’s because the enemy wants to speak the OPPOSITE of what Fathers heart is over us. He’s trying to label us, and nothing is sticking. Every accusation that has been thrown at us has been overturned and unfounded…When He said,

“No weapon formed against you shall prosper” in Isaiah 54:17, he meant it! But it doesn’t mean the weapons won’t form. I have family and friends making assumptions and jumping to conclusions, and I truly want them to know that we ARE safe, no one is in danger or being harmed (Ok, I did get a black eye almost 2 weeks ago and Lucas and I were both shocked by it all).

The whining you hear coming from my house is the setting of boundaries, the retraining of unruly vines to grow where they are allowed. The warfare against that is the enemy angry that we are taking ground back in the lives of our children. Training children is much easier when they are young, as they get older it’s much harder. But in order to help them heal emotionally, they have to have boundaries and know that they can grow in a safe place. That they can make mistakes like spray-paint the neighbors garage and learn the lesson that it’s wrong and against the law to do so now while they are young, so when they are old they know there are boundaries, at home and in every day life.

When you take enemy ground, he’s going to fight back. Make no mistake. But you have the upper hand because you fight from a place of authority, and the enemy already sits in a place of defeat. So friends, keep taking that ground back. Keep taking the land for the Kingdom of Heaven. It’s your inheritance, and every bit you take now belongs to you.

Keep fighting the good fight. And remember to be still and let the Lord fight for you. The battle is His, we don’t wage war against flesh and blood.

Amanda

PS…I forgive you my friend for sharing information with people without actually knowing the whole story and making snap judgments based on a picture. The police officers that came to my house last night to do a welfare check because there was apparent “abuse” by my husband were the same ones who came out and assisted us with the situation almost two weeks ago. If my husband had been at fault, he would have been arrested but he wasn’t. They too thought the call was strange. Next time, ask me…I will tell you the story myself.

This Love

Growing up I always watched the old school Disney princess movies. My two favorites were Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty. Last night, my daughter chose the second one to watch. I found myself reciting most of it…

As an adult, I’ve seen so many times that Disney princess movies set unrealistic expectations for marriage and relationship in general…and there’s also the whole talking animal thing too. People say it puts a lot of pressure on each other as a couple and that the most successful relationships have no expectations whatsoever. Which has me thinking…

Definition of expectation:

1the act or state of expectingANTICIPATION in expectation of what would happen
2asomething expected not up to expectations; expectations for an economic recovery
bbasis for expecting ASSURANCE they have every expectation of success
cprospects of inheritance usually used in plural
3the state of being expected
Synonyms of Expectation:
assumption
chance
confidence
fear
forecast
hope
intention
likelihood
notion
outlook
possibility
prediction
promise
prospect
trust
view
apprehension
assurance
calculation
conjecture
design
expectancy
motive
presumption
probability
reliance
supposition
surmise
suspense
looking forward

Hebrews 11:1 ESV
Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

 

How often in scripture are we told to be expectant, to be reliant, to have assurance and trust, hope and CONFIDENCE in the Lord?  A lot. I could do the verse footwork, I’ll leave that to you but I’m guessing you know…

So it’s almost like there’s this expectation in the Bible…an expectation that WE are allowed to have over Poppa God.  An expectation that He will fulfill what He has spoken to us, an expectation that what He says is ours, is definitely ours. So, if we only do what we see our Father do, isn’t it fair and safe to say that we should have the same blessed assurance, the same expectation inside our relationships and our marriages that we would have a baseline expectation that our needs will be met?

Yep.

Ephesians 5:25

“For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her.”

It’s a sacrificial love.

Ephesians 5:33

However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Proverbs 31:10-12
A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.

There’s an expectation that we are going to treat each other with honor and love, and treat the other as more important than self.

It is here that I find myself extremely privileged. If you read one of my last posts, you will know that the Lord made good on a promise to me, a promise of a Godly husband. But here’s the expectation…In order to get one, I had to also be a Godly wife. The Lord told me once that He only puts “like” things together. I’m seeing this first hand and this love…

Is astounding
Sacrificial
Enduring
Patient
Kind

In my past marriage I lowered my expectations time and time again, but somehow what was expected of me were raised and I found myself in an imbalance. Doing life sacrificially which became a one sided expectation. The same kindness and dignity, and favor were not extended to me, and as we went along, more things were taken away. When those things are removed, you end up in a slave/master scenario…and even in this, there is an expectation to deliver.

There’s also a careful balance between desire and lust. Desire puts the needs of another before your own…selflessly so. Lust (even in a marriage) says “what can you do for me?” The expectation that the Lord set before us in the sanctity of marriage is the unity of man and woman to stand and be the mirror image of God himself. To be Christs love poured out on our children, our neighbors, our community.

With all that said, I’m just so incredibly grateful for what the Lord has done. The man He had for me is a dang unicorn…men like this just don’t exist…and yet here he is. To have him desire to fully know me, to the core of who I am is just so amazing to me. To see him desire to do for me, the way I gave and never received before is almost shocking. We have the same likes and dislikes in so many ways and when we do have a like/dislike they complement each other. He’s patient with me, he’s kind, not boastful, there’s no envy in him whatsoever and he is the epitome of the Love chapter.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

His voice is like chocolate mousse, smooth and enveloping. His smile brightens my heart. He’s real, he exists…and he’s mine. The Lord said He would perform a ceremony between us and neither of us knew what that would even look like so when he called me at midnight on New Years day, we had no grid for what happened. I don’t remember our conversation, it was so overpowering but I took notes. My notes don’t compare to the burning of the Spirit and the desire that had been put on me for this beautiful man of God. As I went to sleep, still vibrating from the encounter I realized I was connected to him. As I slept I could feel him in my spirit and I knew that we had been soul tied…but I have never experienced a soul tie like this…ever. We were already finishing each others sentences, and wholly on the same page, but now I could sense his heart, his thoughts and we began speaking the heart of Father over each other.

And we realized that the ceremony that Father said He would perform…had been completed.

Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.

What God has joined together. It’s his doing. Something that He does between two hearts that share space in their destiny scrolls together. So often we put Fathers seal of approval on a spouse of our choosing and we get upset when it doesn’t work out…trust me…been there.

But this time it was His heart that connected us, joined us, married us. I’m looking forward to spending my life with the gift God gave me.

 

Love you babe

Amanda

A Christmas Suddenly

She waited ever so patiently for her promised husband…ok that might be a lie. She wasn’t patient. She had been downright angry. She was told 3 years…and was already over the line working on the 5th year. What had happened? Had she done something wrong? Did she drop it in her broken heartedness and truly fail to pick it back up? Over 3 years worth of dreams she had of a particular person and so she waited…but not well. She made some serious mistakes along the way, but Poppa knew she would make them and had already accounted for her blunders. Those blunders were the catalyst to new gifts and hearing Him more clearly.

By the end of the third year, the dreams stopped. She was asking…but she was getting crickets. A song would play called Moving On and she would wonder if this was a sign of what she needed to do. She had two dreams of him after the 3 years had ended…both were of him angry…with her. She was confused, delayed and frustrated. She hung on loosely for the last 2 years still nursing the stings of rejection, reminding herself that no response is still a response.

Carefully parsing through her dreams, she was constantly on the lookout for the counterfeit, waiting for this fake man of God to rear his head so she could shut him down and get past what she was sure would be a temptation of monumental proportions. He just needed some time to mature a little more she would often tell herself to soften her frustration, reminding herself that love is patient, and kind…even when you’re pissed.  She had noticed that littered through her dreams were dreams that didn’t fit most of the patterns and information she had seen in other dreams, and in those precious few (which was more than what she realized) was the hope of her future husband she didn’t know she needed.

You see, what she hadn’t realized was in her patiently impatient waiting, she had been rejected. She hadn’t realized that the dreams ended abruptly at the end of the 3 years and she was holding onto shreds of hope for this man to come around…who had already decided she wasn’t worth his time.

He had no idea what he lost. She knew inside she was special and he let himself be fooled by commonplace appearances- the same offense made by the Beast when he was offered an enchanted rose. She had been hidden her whole life that only people who chose to interact with her could see what she was really worth, and he had completely missed out.

She sat in her safe place, writing and praising and talking with friends, constant joy her companion until he pulled up to do some business and saw it was her, looking down on her like a peasant begging for coins…and promptly driving away.

A few unladylike words crossed her lips at the audacity. His immaturity was astounding, and she had decided she no longer could wait on a man as disrespectful as he.

Another king had crossed her path but fear of the counterfeit gave her pause. Fear of making a mistake again gripped her as she internally danced around developing emotions, trying not to reveal too much. She was worried she would somehow mess up what Poppa had for her, forgetting that He held her so securely.

The king reached out to her again, conversations were becoming more frequent and she hadn’t been sure what to do. How would she know if he was the counterfeit? Deciding to keep it friendly she continued talking to him, his attentions for her growing quickly and more frequent. She struggled with what to do, for his heart was growing on her rapidly.

Over chat, she attempted to slow communication, she couldn’t afford anymore distractions with her work, but irretrievable words were spoken that sent a spark of lightening through her body…words aimed at his excitement over her Fathers heart. In that moment, the engine was fully lit. If there had been a question in her mind before that moment, it was now gone, burned up in the fires of her heart. How could she confront what just happened? Fear was tugging at her, how would she face the hurt tied to love, hurt she thought she was healed from??

In a moment of need, a need to offload her coal and slow down the blaze, words came out. Unintelligible words with mixed emotion that were unable to get to the point but only beat around the bush; words that would drive any man just seeking a warm body away…and he grew painfully quiet.

She couldn’t sleep. Too many thoughts ran through her mind, but mostly ponderings of how to undo what she felt he had done.

What had she done.

Her friends encouraged her, but nothing was helping, she ruined it before it even had a chance to start! Gazing at his picture wasn’t helping either. So she prayed for this king and went to sleep. She slept lightly through the wee morning hours only to wake in the morning and see that there was no response. She killed it. Time to dust off, he obviously wasn’t ready for m…wait…he’s typing! Ok, ok, be still my beating heart!

As the conversation continued, he reassured her that he hadn’t run off. Kings never run, they pursue. They went back and forth enjoying each other’s company when he typed out words that were all too familiar, words that were spoken once upon a dream. As she pulled up her dream and shared bits of it with him he asked her who the man was, and who the princess was, of which she had no idea, the dream was so whimsical she never gave it personal application. The conversation paused. “Can I call you” were his next words as her heart began hammering in her chest. She knew what was coming…did she dare say yes?

Oh, she dared all right.

He poured out his heart about as articulately she did the night before. All day they were on and off the phone laughing, sharing, baring. Nothing was off limits, and yet the king manned his respectful boundaries of her heart.

The day moved on each moment progressing swiftly to its close. How can a king have zero red flags? And the things that could have been so very red were so thoroughly washed white by the blood of Jesus that they were beautiful ornaments on the ramparts of his heart.

And she asked herself, “How did I get here?”

She was trying so hard not to completely snowball, she still wanted confirmation.

There was the 18, the 19, the 38 and the 69, there was the line from once upon a dream, things spoken to him that I was not privy to, but the icing on cake was the one I was after. Lord, let my best friend (who didn’t all know all the things that had happened all the days before) confirm your heart in the matter, please do it quickly before I start to shatter. It took 2 whole days to be brought about but the words that she saw and the words that she felt were all of the words of confirmation I sought:

Girl I just got the sense that your prince is handing you your missing glass slipper.

…We talked about that yesterday.

Shut up!

When I was a kid, I prayed for glass slippers. I also asked Poppa to confirm it through you, because I’ve always known your heart to be true.

And so, there is no longer a doubt in my mind, that the king I was promised…

Is in hot pursuit of my heart with Fathers blessing.

Amanda

Christmas Tree Trophy

“Cause baby everything you are, is everything I need, you’re everything to me. Baby, every single part is who you’re meant to be cause you were meant for me and you’re everything I need…”

She belted out the words in her own private studio as she drove down the two-lane highway. He was singing to her. He always sang to her, reminding her that despite the years of rejection, she was not rejected. She was fully known and Loved by Poppa God. She knew it, she believed it too because the perceived value others placed on her was no longer her concern.

The rain on the freeway splattered her windshield as the wipers made the familiar squish-squish noise as they moved back and forth. She was going there again. To the place where she saw and met her first angel, the place where she could go safely and spill her heart in prayer and praise.

Music and song spilling out of her soul as she paced the sidewalk, eyes closed with only the wall to keep her from falling over as she paced. Poppa always knew which song to play next, and she lent her voice in praise to the God of the universe. She greeted Stewart, her angel friend and prayed in agreement with the Word of the Lord over that church body, they even sang together with a few others who joined in.

The sight inside the church was filled with Christmas Trees. At least a dozen, maybe two, smartly staged in the foyer and sanctuary, lights still lit. The dazzle of lights was always so inspiring to her, she saw the lights of one reflecting through the glass cubes on the outer wall and the briefest of thoughts crossed her mind.

Earlier that day she read something on Facebook about a Christmas Tree in heaven and in that moment with the soft white lights sparkling through the glass cubes, the question flashed through her mind in a milliseconds time, the answer coming just as quickly on its heels.

“Are there really Christmas Trees in heaven?” Her brain asked.

The answer came as a shock and a joy, “Of course there are; spoils of war.”

Spoils of war?? She knew the history. A pagan ritual to a god of fertility celebrated during the most dormant time of year; the winter solstice. A celebration of life with an “evergreen” tree in hopes of a good crop come spring, and babies too. When the emperor Constantine changed the official religion of the country (Rome) from pagan/idol worship to Christianity, the tree came with it.

She knew that this was where most religious Christians either made excuses for the tree or fully rejected it. And this was the point where the Holy Spirit rocked her world. There was always that worry that she was doing the wrong thing…but Holy Spirit showed her that when the power of the cross defeated paganism in that country, it was the beginning of the end of a spiritual war.

And to the victor goes the spoils.

“You mean the Christmas Tree is a giant TROPHY??” She asked aloud as a white car pulled up seeking Pokémon. She hid behind a square pillar and struggled to contain her excitement at the revelation. Minutes felt like forever until finally the car left and she could freely feel as light as air. Her heart seemed to dance across the sidewalk.

She began to feel bold and asked a new question. If we made another religions celebrated icon our trophy…how could we do that to another holiday.

“Holy Spirit, how can we do this same thing with Halloween??” She asked.

“Death has been defeated” was the reply.

Amanda

Terrific Testimony

For 3 long years I have been fervently praying for my promises and preparing for it and recently came to a time about 6 months ago where I felt like I had dropped the ball in regards to my kids.

No, dropping the ball is putting it too nicely. The ache inside said, “Congratulations. You failed your children. No one is going to want you now. Any man would scream and run, but your promised husband, it’s going to wreck him. It’s going to break him, which will break you too. Just let it go…save yourself the embarrassment…”

That devil knows how to play my fears like a fiddle. Sometimes it’s easier to make excuses than it is to wait. Sometimes the cop-out is “Hey, it’s okay if I was wrong, let’s move on,” but that’s not the voice of faith. So my prophesied help arrived. My dad. I cannot tell you how glad I am that he is here! I love him sooooo much and we get along really really well! In the last 4.5 months so many miracles have happened I wouldn’t know where to start! But there’s one in particular I do want to share.

A week ago today in the early morning hours I wake up a sleeping boy and he whispers, “Mom, go get Sophia up first.” And so I do. I come back and wake him up and unfortunately I interrupted his trip to heaven where Jesus was taking him to go say hi to my aunt…

Wait…what?

“Oh yeah, and I dreamed that Jesus had taken me down to the river to baptize me and the devil came down and wanted to fight so Jesus fought him and then baptized me. Mom, can I get baptized?”

“Ummm…yeah bud. You absolutely can.”

I’m still trying to process it all, honestly. I thought I failed. So many years of finger pointing directed at me for issues with disrespect, talking back, lack of responsibility, refuses to do chores and I’ve tried for so long and then my dad comes and all the things I couldn’t make happen, happen. Yeah I’ll admit I needed some training, some adult reassurance and direction…but suddenly the kids I swore I had failed have become new. You see, because my son made the choice, my daughter followed suit. Both were baptized that night in the bathtub.

And I’m believing for miracles in their lives and in their hearts because I didn’t fail them…because it was never my job.

He who is faithful will complete the work He started in me…and my kids. Grateful to know I’m somewhat off the hook (I still have to disciple them and parent them) and that God is working in their hearts and minds.

Thank You Jesus, for chasing my children ♥️

-A

Flight of New Beginnings

I just ended almost 2 years of employment working for NASA. I really thought this was the coolest job with the coolest people (and boy did I feel like I had “made it” considering my grandfather was a space engineer) but when God says He’s got something greater with a greater purpose, you know things will come to an end. Today was that day.

I believe my career has been an idol. I have always worked for big name companies or the government and though I know my trade school education and my own knowledge didn’t get me to the heights I was at and I always gave God credit for getting me there, I’ve always had this pressure and fear resting on me.

When I was married I was the breadwinner. Once I became a single mom 100% of everything rested on me and fear gripped me. Fear that I wouldn’t be able to make it, fear that I had to make things happen so my children didn’t have to suffer. I lost my job once before about 2 years ago and I spent 6 months at home with my kids before landing this job. I literally had run out of money from unemployment when suddenly my neighbor gave me money because the Lord asked him to.

He promises to take care of us.

1 Timothy 5:8 Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

We have been adopted into sonship. We ARE His family. He can’t be an unbeliever because our belief is found in Him. We are fully cared for and we will hear Him telling us which way to go so our hinds feet land in high places. Our steps are firmly planted when we walk with Him.

With that said, my dad and I are starting up something awesome. Something that will be a part of the Kingdom Restoration. Restoring the lost to the people and helping to build them up again. I was freaking out over my choice to do this and was asking Him to tell me what to do and He said (through a song) that I had a choice to go the way I had always gone or choose a new path that either way He would have plans for me. The catch was one of these would cause me to have more trust and increase my faith in His ability to provide, the other would be business as usual. Immediately a song hit my heart and I cried as its words flew out of my mouth, the words of Belle; I want adventure in the great wide somewhere, I want it more than I could tell. And with that I had the answer my heart was yearning for; freedom.

And so through my own freedom, others will be empowered by their restoration to seek His freedom for their lives.

Amanda

Letting things go…

I was playing a game. It was a fun game, too. I made friends, I was advancing, became a co-leader but I realized that the attention I was receiving from people, male and female alike, was stirring in me a need that has laid dormant for nearly 4 years. I’ve been largely content waiting on the Lord to fulfill promises He’s made to me but suddenly these needs for companionship were beginning to arise. To have someone to talk to, converse with and where my friends have filled that need for a long time, it’s not the same type of intimacy of conversation you would have with a significant other…or even a potential significant other. I found myself enjoying conversation (G rated conversations) with men and women and it no longer became about playing the game, but about the validation I was getting from other human beings.

1 Corinthian 10:23

You say, “I am allowed to do anything” —but not everything is good for you. You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is beneficial.

I have been alone, but not lonely…up until recently. As the need for companionship grows (and not just romantic companionship, I’m expecting my dad to move in very very soon and I’m really looking forward to this in a big way) and the feelings of being overwhelmed in every area of my life also grows, I recognize that being a single mom is not something I can sustain long term without letting it affect my health and my heart. When I don’t sleep well and need a rest, everything falls on me. When I’m sick and need to get better, everything still falls on me. When depression tries to take over, everything still falls on me. And some days…dishes don’t get done. Clean laundry sits in baskets for a week, and I still don’t know what’s for dinner. I know the Lord  has more for me than this.

So, the game. I was doing rather well. I was improving my scores, had joined a guild that was a new branch of a high ranking guild, had become co-leader, was making friends until I realized that it had simply become a band aid for what I was really feeling and needing. I was earning people’s praise by getting higher scores, by being important in something that didn’t truly matter. What fruit was this producing? By God’s grace, I could play this game…but what was the profits of doing so? Was it improving my life? Or did I merely think it was.

Two nights ago I had a dream. I knew the Lord was warning me that I had let this game lull me into inattentiveness and spiritual sleep. This life isn’t a game, there are so many people out there that were created from a piece of His spirit that He wants to know Him. This life is a mission. This is the battle grounds where we go out and help people remember who they are. This isn’t about scaring people with the thought of Hell, the more I research it and read about it, the more I begin to wonder if Hell was an implant by Emperor Augustine to control the narrative…and control the people. Jesus came to put an end to sin and death. If this is true (which it is) there is no separation from Him. Just the one we believe is present in our mind. And so we must go out and remind people who they are, who they were meant to be. Our mission isn’t to save people from a fiery eternal death (because what loving God would really do that? Would you do it to your kids??), our mission is to WAKE UP THE WHOLE EARTH so that the people can remember who they were meant to be. To heal DNA, to heal people and tribes and Nations and governments, and to realize that now, in this moment we were meant to rule and reign by His side. Not after we die…Jesus put an end to sin AND death. Jesus is the doorway, not death. Jesus is the hero, death is not.

Psalm 24:7-9

So wake up, you living gateways!
Lift up your heads, you ageless doors of destiny!
Welcome the King of Glory,
for he is about to come through you.
You ask, “Who is this Glory-King?”
The Lord, armed and ready for battle,
the Mighty One, invincible in every way!
So wake up, you living gateways, and rejoice!
Fling wide, you ageless doors of destiny!
Here he comes; the King of Glory is ready to come in.

We are the living gateways.

This morning’s dream was short and to the point.

I saw my phone with the splash screen of this game on my screen as it sat on the toilet seat lid in my bathroom. I heard the Lord say, “Today is your last day.” The toilet representing the fact that it is in fact a “waste” of my time…and my calling.

I knew that it needed to end…yesterday I knew. I also knew the day before and so I asked Him for the help, the grace to be done and so this morning I sent notes out. I apologized for letting people down that I had grown to like. I thanked another for his wisdom in helping me excel- it had it’s intended effect. And so upon the sending of those, I deleted the apps. Time to get back to the things that really matter because let’s face it, prayer is literally a matter of life or death in some cases. A matter of cancer and no cancer. I was just beginning to embark on this crazy journey of traversing time and space through His Spirit and I let my learning be interrupted by something that has no true benefit in my life.

The cost of following the ways of the world is too high. I won’t sacrifice my promises, my future, and my relationship with a Holy God.

Amanda